Me, myself and.....

Not so long ago i had a crush...one that almost blew me away....i was in college and like all college students thought their professors were the reason why the world went round and round...(well definitely not all of them, some i could strangle and condemn to the eternal fire for wasting my time)...(sorry for the animosity but trust me they deserve it, i tried protesting by bunking but i think they thought i was a regular bunker)......So this crush of mine or rather this prof of mine was not someone people would call handsome....but don't ask me to spell the long list of women who have gone through the same trauma....some even ended up dropping the course!!!...so you can imagine the power differential added to this extreme sort of attraction...he was what one could call a out-of-the box thinker (he had to be, if i had to waste my time on him), charming in his aged wisdom and idiotic jokes.....it often got to my nerves....then one day i decided on deliberation that he was good material for a crush, afterall life was getting boring and boys never suited my taste....it was a deliberated move....big mistake!!!

Next thing i knew i couldn't sit in class without noticing the way the sleeves of his shirt rolled to expose that lovely hand or the colour of his skin against all that body hair...(sigh)...the way his hand moved, the callous strong palm....i could go on and on till eternity and psyche the hell out of you but i won't......my tendency to be cocky and arrogant around his bad jokes faded to a blush and mumbling and an exasperated attempt at being funny......i would desperately look for excuses to enter his smoke filled room....to search for books, for advise on irrelevant material.....i was too conservative to fantasize but my vain attempts soon made me realise that i was a goner and that he could see through me....oh apart from his gango lectures he had those sharp eyes...they unnerved me.....it stripped me of the lil courage i had mustered climbing up two flights of stairs.....i knew he knew and that was embarrassing....at some point desperation rose to such a level that i couldn't perform normally...i'd just sit and wait around all day for him to turn up and then loose courage to even attend his class with other forty pairs of eyes....

One day it dawned on me that my trajectory was completely screwed up!!! this was not my plan...my plan was to use a silly crush to pep up my life, to motivate me to attend more classes....not mumble my way into anonymity...i wasn't gona let that happen....so i changed strategy...i became attentive....spoke my mind, opinion....(oh not to discount he taught some of the best lessons ever-this is irrespective of the person)....i tried to read more....i began to figure out his thought process...i figured out the books he took arguments from....i began to figure out his trajectory....unfortunately for me....i was now a regular student in his class, while other professors caught me loitering around only to advise me about the benefits of attending class(as if i didn't know)......i was volunteering for presentations, i had overblown my capacity at being cynical....but still, still i shook in his presence.....i was in an invisible contest to prove myself....everyone knew about my crush....i made no secret of it....i even told my mother who freaked out to the extend of advising me against "such destructive relationships"...what relationship he didn't care i existed, even if i did it was only to add a number to his long list of female fans...blaaahhh...disgusting...

Months passed things became lighter...or maybe it was etched in my brain and the wound had healed....i had given my presentations, written tutorials and my exams.....yeah i scored much less than i wanted to ideally but then...no pain, no gain.....i compared all prospective young men to him and ruined potential love affairs.......no man except my father (oh the electra complex is back again to ruin me) had hands like his......(sigh again)...it was time to leave...to bid farewelll....i was never good at it and i never did it.....i knew (my mom brought me up well ) that this feeling was going to fade away with distance....i knew i had used him to be a better student.....i knew that this was a exploitative relationship (if it ever was to happen) and that i wouldn't like the man i saw outside the campus.....yea it was all clear.....


So months later, i visit the campus...still hoping in vain that i'll meet him...just a glimpse....and lo! as luck might be....i see him....sitting with that intellectual circle....yea its okay...its fictional...but my heart skipped so many beats that blood had stopped flowing to my limbs and had rushed to my brains....my head was throbbing...i had to take sneak peeks...disgusting, how pathetic can i get!!!....well i have to be all grown up...i m working and earning...maybe more than him....SO as i "bump" into him in the building...its all...hello sir ...oh hello how are you?hows work??...Good, good sir,er,can i come and meet you after i am done with some pending work...yeah sure...so i go to his room with my heart in my mouth...i sit all poised in my chair and as it turns out...we talk like old friends about work, satisfaction,family,love affair, sex...yea hes damn coool....he advises me on my negative traits and associates brilliantly with my behaviour....by now the my head had cooled down a bit....my heart rate had returned to normal....i was my ownself talking to someone who seemed to have ben my close friend....i had to say it...and i laughed at myself while saying it...sir, i had the hugest crush on you when i was in college....forgot to mention i still do....hehe....we talked for hours about the dynamics of prof-student relationship, its disgusting need to be based on power, the risks, the shame....we both accepted people were but people, irrespective of their position...all craving for attention....so while i craved for his, he lived off mine...it was necessary for him to feel good....i was elated at the end of this conversation....so rational, so well spoken...no animosity, no get-out-of-my-room.....it was hhaaahaa thats fine but don't let that get to you....and i was like..yea yea i know its kiddish i used it to get past college....very healthy conversation, very grown-up...whoever thought there were such great minds and hearts in this world!!! my mom didn't get it afterall

But thats the problem now....i m still star-struck, doe-eyed and waiting to meet this man again...i guess the love stems from the fact that i will never have him, own him...so it is a fantasy....it is never acheived...and it never dies.....it goes on and on....someone help me!!