Sound of a peacock calling for his lost love…or plain horny…..still sounds the same in the orange twilight….somewhere a pressure cooker hoots for attention…I am back to the place I call second, no maybe third, home….a confined space I call my own….or a space I like to believe I own….though its not that simple….i am back in the city that nurtured me for five very important years of my life…I thought I was ready for the change…prepared to take this new turn into the old realm…but maybe not so much….i arrived in the afternoon to a dreadfully hot and dusty city…filled with familiar looking unfamiliarity…which I accepted whole hearted…who wouldn’t?....after such a painfully long journey of cursed silence and never ending railway tracks and the recurrent smell of unwashed loos and rust….the heat is comforting, the dust bearable, the money stripping jacks only a fashionable quirk…..but as I climb the familiar steps of the building that was home for two whole years….i am struck by a intense feeling of claustrophobia…….it was the same way I felt as I entered the department, the abode of knowledge….we now know better….but the name remains and the longing for it had lasted too….but suddenly I am struck with a doubt as to whether my life is twirling into a black hole filled with the familiarity of the womb….ask a child, a baby who has seen sunlight whether she longs for her mother’s womb….maybe not….yeah that’s the sense….
So as I walk into my old room…filled with old memories….i am filled with a sense of the new and the old…a yearning to create new memories….a comfort of the old….but I dread the old and that is glued to me like a generous claustrophobia….what on earth am I doing here?....suddenly I feel a rush of not so old memories of life I led not so long now…..of revolving chairs, comfortable apartment I called my own…..of spending five digits every month….i am a student again?...i m now stuck in the lower rungs of four digits….bloody hell!!....the feeling is reinstated as walk along the corridors studded with young women chattering about the maggi they made….chirpy young girls are always a pain…..i was reminded of a conversation where i was told I had the lower end of a bargain when I opted for a loo that was separated from the bedroom I my apartment….i was told I had to give up, maybe on privacy…suddenly that seemed like heaven…..i was back in that place where loos are never free, where the flushes are always out….when that is not the case, you crap with the mortal fear of being barged in by some unsuspecting chirpy young girl….those days when you wake up early so that you can have a decent bath….baths where water overflow till the puddle becomes a stream and the stream a river that swallows every space one calls dry….baths where women compete to create greater rivers…man I am back!!….But new information snippets have replaced the old…”use newspapers for sanitary pads only not for toilet”….i wonder how that works….or ….”please flush after use”….”please do not misuse…”...”please use only the toilets for …” things have not changed in its very essence as the snippets go…we are dirty, we remain…it took me a while to work out the rules behind having geysers serve as liveried sentry men outside every loo instead of being stuck on a wall with wires….eternal handiwork…I am back!!
So after sufficient looing around and chitty-chatting the maids I get out ….no , not from the air-conditioned dump I called office…but from an already sunny sweaty nest I call hostel room….to the road again…humming “here I am on the road again” (bob seger)…on a trip to buy amenities…well so far so good….I toss a few things here, a few things there….you never know what could come handy……… when suddenly as they add up the bill I am struck again by that old dread…calculations…of the need to count the bills before you hand them lest you plough back into a corrupted state of bankruptcy…no, not like the times when you could borrow from friends who earned in 5 digits…but bankruptcy that will lead your way to more moral discourse on savings and the oft told reminder….you are a student now!!!!....yikes….maybe I don’t need that strainer….maybe I can make do with just one spoon….maybe I should quit existing…now that there’s a time for everything…classes, bathing, mess time…time to eat, to obey rules….to be obliged to notify when you want to go out with your friends…I am just grounded for life…
A word about the sumptuous food…..everything in the mess is a variant of the priceless tuber aloooooo…potatoes…humongous looking triangular-cubical pieces float in every recipe for every meal…with its multifarious partners….where do they come up with so many combination beats my culinary skills…maybe they are undercover scientist or mathematicians trying all the possible permutation -combination for potatoes on a contractual basis…maybe they are studying the multiple effects of the tuber on the human brain….hope they find their results soon…Delhi is known for the stewed milky brew they call tea but in this haven it’s a little different…there is a pleasant but nauseating taste of the nectar, water, that has not been boiled enough to be part of the ancient traditional beverage…I got a taste of it the moment I came back from the great conquest…that’s when it struck me…reconciliation.
I reconcile…So I come back to my nest….my head stoop under the weight of wisdom…. and clean my little nest with all the love I can muster…for here is the grandeur of simplicity….of humble ownership on a path to independence….it’s my freedom…dreadful as it maybe…there is still the hope for a brighter future….future filled with new discoveries in a place I am less writhing in discomfort….i have chosen knowledge….hopefully…..and knowledge is power….says someone…and with great power comes great responsibilities…... says another…..so here I am with a lot of responsibilities….hoping never to complain again!!
Friday, September 12, 2008
Monday, July 28, 2008
a letter
this is not how i imagined it...i had plans...big ones...life was in the dumps...i thought i couldn't get worse...so i planned a long trip...i almost thought i planned it all only so i could write a blog on it...obsession i tell you.....but then again.. i lost two jobs and with it my self esteem and my independence and most importantly my laptop...boooohoooo...so no MS word to type a blog and ruminate on it...or to pour my bleeding heart out...well now the trip is over...the job is outta my way...sun has started shining from amidst dark clouds...all that jazz...but nothing to write...no thought to add....i guess thinking is best when you are down and out...
Now life is looking up a bit...my faith is coming back in things i thought i couldn't believe...theres academics, which i tell myself is what i want...oh i made it through another rung of higher education...proud me...there is...ahem...a guy...ahem...well...don't know yet...and i will not utter words lest an evil eye fall upon my endeavours...but yes....there is silver lining behind every dark cloud and so there is faith that i will continue irritating my loving readers with more crap than they can handle....sheesh i sound like a maniac....next thing i am gonna get religious....all yours....me
Now life is looking up a bit...my faith is coming back in things i thought i couldn't believe...theres academics, which i tell myself is what i want...oh i made it through another rung of higher education...proud me...there is...ahem...a guy...ahem...well...don't know yet...and i will not utter words lest an evil eye fall upon my endeavours...but yes....there is silver lining behind every dark cloud and so there is faith that i will continue irritating my loving readers with more crap than they can handle....sheesh i sound like a maniac....next thing i am gonna get religious....all yours....me
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
pilgrims of love
For anonymous admirers...and ratifiers and all personas similar....i am posting here my most dreaded blog...for it seems not like me....but a moment of weakness cause me to spew this not-so-me-like blog writing....i apologise with a quote for those who think it is a case in point.... "far from being one code among many that a culture may utilize for endowing experience with meaning, narrative is a meta-code, a human universal on the basis of which transcultural messages about the nature of a shared reality can be transmitted" ......here is mine....me on a pilgrimage to my past..
I happened to take a journey into the past last night...with old friends...through the tormenting days one called college....torrential lovers....jealous rivals.....confused friends....it was depressing, traumatic, I am scarred for life, yet so nostalgic....today as I discussed my trips again with my colleague....the earlier days of extravagant youthfulness came back to me...the times when you backpacked to the hills without thinking about repercussions.....of secret loves, of little conspiracies.....long time ago, not really all that long...i was in love....or I thought I was....we were young...like fledglings learning to fly....struck by the sight and sounds of a new life....playful, yet so reflective....every move we made, every word we said seemed to have a meaning that could change the course of our life....then there were wasted days...when words were flung with disgust at each othet....arms were wrangled....struggles for an elusive freedom....hot tears....days when my phone was my worst enemy.....cause it always betrayed me...it made me weak....i swore never to call again....but alll to end up shouting anger word over that tempting device, amidst hot tears....all to end the day with the same words....words I swore I'd never repeat...the thought to escape into the hills arose on a dizzy day like that.....no on a daywhen holding hands made theworld around seem blurred......hills of dalai lama....it was a conspiracy...it was a taboo...i was not supposed to do it....i can't begin to count the reasons....parents disapproved, friends would be disgusted, I can't explain the rationale to myself....yet it seemed like the right thing to do....
So into the dark night I escaped with my backpack...and heady with the number of lies I had told that day.....to the world I had created a narrative...a fairy tale....it was risky, I had betrayed the world for one person....trust sometimes can be silly....love sometimes can be foolish...but here I was in a crowded bus-stand holding on to the palms of a man I knew not for long.....but then it signified all that existed ....i felt like Moses holding the ten commandments at mount sinai or Lord siva trailing the globe with the venom in his throat...it was heady yet dangerous.......through the mob we squeezed our way, never once letting go of the grip....sweaty palms searching for something, as if in an act of silent prayer......yet grounded so well....till we boarded that rickety bus that would take us miles away from the world we knew.....all night I shuddered....the cold?....the fear?....or the anticipation of a new beginning....this was not right...nothing was right....there were too many hearts at stake....to many bonds broken just so we could hold hands....but something felt right....deep within I felt whole
The hills were the most beautiful things I had ever seen....winding road that seems to usher you through....deep gorges that kept you close to one another.....snow capped mountain far yonder that made you gasp....apart from the gasping of tired legs.....monasteries, where silence itself was loud....where stooped men chimed the bells and chanted with their beads....like pilgrims we watched in awe as the world beyond rose before our eyes....like the clearing of a cloudy sky...we watched as humble damsels scurried around their business and monks chanted their hymns to the lovely abode where humans seemed to be just one of the tiny cogs in a large wheel of life....the golden Buddha in his sleep seemed to tell us that....torrential rains and ice cold winds seemed to sing them too...i remember, as we climbed up the hills in a place that seemed to be edged of the universe....it poured cats and dogs....we were stuck....the poor umbrella stretching its man-made limits.....fighting the winds to keep us covered....never after have I ever felt the shiver and warmth so distinctly as I stood helpless in the middle of a narrow winding lane in the pouring rain, holding the only person I wanted to be with.....never ever had chaos felt so good.....for I knew when evening cam I would stand at the rooftop and watch the world go to sleep under the comfort of these mountain....i can never forget the sound of my laughter....as I teased myself and my beloved companion in the rain
Every road we walked down, the road back seemed never ending...panting and nauseous...but never for a minute giving up the walk....of quaint restaurants were hot soups and exotic tea seemed to be nectar bracing us against the winds outside....of apple pies and tibetian cuisine....every sight was taken with religious care.....every step taken with the seriousness of a pilgrim in his temple after years of yearning.....every touch was holy....the deity was love and the temple was the snow capped hills....and here we were pilgrims in search for the deity for one last time....
The stricken path returned to my memories again...made me realise memories are like quicksand....u either stay away or you get sucked in.....i think I am getting sucked in.....somewhere between real and myth.....a narrative of my meaning of what i felt....i always seems to be on the threshold.....an abyss....it all seems a dream now...was I really there...did I hear those words....where there rains....or was it all a dream that my fetish mind made some cold winter night....
I happened to take a journey into the past last night...with old friends...through the tormenting days one called college....torrential lovers....jealous rivals.....confused friends....it was depressing, traumatic, I am scarred for life, yet so nostalgic....today as I discussed my trips again with my colleague....the earlier days of extravagant youthfulness came back to me...the times when you backpacked to the hills without thinking about repercussions.....of secret loves, of little conspiracies.....long time ago, not really all that long...i was in love....or I thought I was....we were young...like fledglings learning to fly....struck by the sight and sounds of a new life....playful, yet so reflective....every move we made, every word we said seemed to have a meaning that could change the course of our life....then there were wasted days...when words were flung with disgust at each othet....arms were wrangled....struggles for an elusive freedom....hot tears....days when my phone was my worst enemy.....cause it always betrayed me...it made me weak....i swore never to call again....but alll to end up shouting anger word over that tempting device, amidst hot tears....all to end the day with the same words....words I swore I'd never repeat...the thought to escape into the hills arose on a dizzy day like that.....no on a daywhen holding hands made theworld around seem blurred......hills of dalai lama....it was a conspiracy...it was a taboo...i was not supposed to do it....i can't begin to count the reasons....parents disapproved, friends would be disgusted, I can't explain the rationale to myself....yet it seemed like the right thing to do....
So into the dark night I escaped with my backpack...and heady with the number of lies I had told that day.....to the world I had created a narrative...a fairy tale....it was risky, I had betrayed the world for one person....trust sometimes can be silly....love sometimes can be foolish...but here I was in a crowded bus-stand holding on to the palms of a man I knew not for long.....but then it signified all that existed ....i felt like Moses holding the ten commandments at mount sinai or Lord siva trailing the globe with the venom in his throat...it was heady yet dangerous.......through the mob we squeezed our way, never once letting go of the grip....sweaty palms searching for something, as if in an act of silent prayer......yet grounded so well....till we boarded that rickety bus that would take us miles away from the world we knew.....all night I shuddered....the cold?....the fear?....or the anticipation of a new beginning....this was not right...nothing was right....there were too many hearts at stake....to many bonds broken just so we could hold hands....but something felt right....deep within I felt whole
The hills were the most beautiful things I had ever seen....winding road that seems to usher you through....deep gorges that kept you close to one another.....snow capped mountain far yonder that made you gasp....apart from the gasping of tired legs.....monasteries, where silence itself was loud....where stooped men chimed the bells and chanted with their beads....like pilgrims we watched in awe as the world beyond rose before our eyes....like the clearing of a cloudy sky...we watched as humble damsels scurried around their business and monks chanted their hymns to the lovely abode where humans seemed to be just one of the tiny cogs in a large wheel of life....the golden Buddha in his sleep seemed to tell us that....torrential rains and ice cold winds seemed to sing them too...i remember, as we climbed up the hills in a place that seemed to be edged of the universe....it poured cats and dogs....we were stuck....the poor umbrella stretching its man-made limits.....fighting the winds to keep us covered....never after have I ever felt the shiver and warmth so distinctly as I stood helpless in the middle of a narrow winding lane in the pouring rain, holding the only person I wanted to be with.....never ever had chaos felt so good.....for I knew when evening cam I would stand at the rooftop and watch the world go to sleep under the comfort of these mountain....i can never forget the sound of my laughter....as I teased myself and my beloved companion in the rain
Every road we walked down, the road back seemed never ending...panting and nauseous...but never for a minute giving up the walk....of quaint restaurants were hot soups and exotic tea seemed to be nectar bracing us against the winds outside....of apple pies and tibetian cuisine....every sight was taken with religious care.....every step taken with the seriousness of a pilgrim in his temple after years of yearning.....every touch was holy....the deity was love and the temple was the snow capped hills....and here we were pilgrims in search for the deity for one last time....
The stricken path returned to my memories again...made me realise memories are like quicksand....u either stay away or you get sucked in.....i think I am getting sucked in.....somewhere between real and myth.....a narrative of my meaning of what i felt....i always seems to be on the threshold.....an abyss....it all seems a dream now...was I really there...did I hear those words....where there rains....or was it all a dream that my fetish mind made some cold winter night....
Friday, May 23, 2008
madness
Last evening was uneventfully eventful....it was full of alternating realisations of the good, bad and the ugly....it started with my boss snubbing me again......grrrrrr.....immature creatures like the both of us, stuck to deal with each other.........what if my husband is like my boss...blah!....let me start my story......yes,yes I did read other articles in office and was buzzing with thoughts about the lofty theoretical exposition in it (start of a conspiracy theory), when it all happened.....the ill-fated moment I decided to open my inbox and see that unread white patch on the screen.....curiosity kills us all...it did....my enthusiasm....what remains of it and everything....urgh I hate these situations...ok,ok what I am trying to say is that while I was happy ruminating nice thoughts on education and democracy, I happen to see my boss' mail in the inbox......it was my temporary doom...thankfully I was looking forward to meeting a new friend and possible employer...i stomped out of office in disgust at the lack of tact that my current boss showed....and worse my inability to stand up to anyone..... then walked into barista to see a multi-pierced, long haired balding soft spoken man....who spend the whole night playing devil's advocate...with me....job is a far receding dream.....it can happen when fate decides.....is his sophisticated answer in a crude manner...ten minutes into the conversation he pops up the question that was to put me in a self-indulging dilemma for the rest of the night....hmmm.....it was not untrue....he quipped “you are too young to be so cynical”.....”what, its been a year since you started working and you already so cynical?”.....what he is unaware of is that this question haunts me everyday.....everyday I wonder if I am the one making the gross errors.....its me or the external....well i guess i reconcile thinking- its not so black or white....its grey, its how I react to the external....ah, it had to come to me like everything else...self-destructive ego....always my doom...why do I take these things so seriously.....he also said I am prone to stereotyping...me?ME???....wait a second when did ten minutes of engagement warrant a character assassination.....look who is stereotyping....
Ok, having said all that, the man was nice, he promised me a job.....in the yonder horizon but still a job...aite...its difficult...so he is instantly pardoned...after all he speaks my language of engaging with the world, a world out destroy everything in it...self-fulfilling prophecy...the-world-is-out-to-get-you-mode...capitalistic conspiracy.....American conspiracy....manipulation of an educational system to create clones that befit the capitalistic growth....we don't need no education (remember Pink Floyd)....we all come from there and move towards agency and a load of bull...can't comprehend what I am trying to say?... don't worry neither do i!!....well, okay so here was a man meeting me to talk about a prospective job offer..... now judging me in my own language....sweet revenge. This led me into thinking about all the things I do wrong....and have friends that reiterate them...i had to tell thampi....he was one of them....so on an auto, amidst traffic, I screamed my new found theory to a poor thampi boarding the 8 P.M train to the land of mallus...he listened with awe to discoveries....protesting once in a way...if I let him that is(my roomy says I bully him, which is not true, so she mothers him too...hehe)...our similarities ranged from inability to stand boredom, boring friends, taking things too seriously, exclusivity principle....the list went on till both of us couldn't recollect the list....But bullying counsellor counselled about everything....his doomed marriage....his possible mental disabilities....poor boy...has enough troubles of his own...por favor senor/senorita, I am going on forever...(oh that by the way was an indication that I am learning Spanish...now I know why I suck at grammar....lack of structural thought...bloody hell how am I going to do structural linguistics...))
I thought it was over for the night...enough conspiracy theories for a day....but no...i had to drown my sorrows into the darkness of the night...so against the will of my protesting body.....i ventured forth with the rock band star and la enamora into the depth of the night....into that hell hole they might as well have called velocity or acceleration or momentum or inertia....would have made no difference....cause throughout the night a fear captured my already drained brain....last conspiracy theory for the day.....the music, the people, the culture was one of stunted growth....the crowd was almost the same....like an incestuous little tribe of devil worshippers...Lord save them from my wrath!!...everywhere people shook their head in similar salutation to the sound of that music....dikchik dikchik....all in a trance as if possessed by the spirit of the devil himself.....of euphoria....overcome by the pleasure of primal instincts...do I sound like the priest from the Salvation of the Christ sect....Jehovah's victims....if I do that's my intention....that's conspiracy theory...men and women lost to the sound of mollifying repetitive sound...trance, house, whatever....it took me only a few minutes to realise I was shaking my head too.....aaargh!!! I am ruined....my pretentious intellectuality is out....i am exposed to the luring flesh....my eyes get misty, lost in the enveloping smoke......maybe my brain cells were bursting....sheesh...i was soon going to be one of them....a member of the incestuous clan (well I have already been charged of that once before)...i showed signs.....it took me an hour or so to let go of that discomfort and the itch to register this theory on paper...virtual at least....it took me that much time to return to my own full-of-myself-superior self....so at the end of the day after so many glasses of fermented juices I ended up looking pissed more than drunk....i was pissed.....with the pub, with myself....with la enamora, with the rockstar...with his statue of a friend....i came down to planet earth only when I realised how in my moment of intense boredom I failed to notice how drunk la enamora had become....yikes!!! she had to drive me and herself back...poor judgement...i wasn't after all the superior self I imagined...i can't even f**king drive!!!!!!....so I held tight while she giggled her little self back home....never once breathing a sigh of relief...i slept a tight little ball....dreaming bad dreams....but sun rose as if nothing ever happened...that amazes me.
Ok, having said all that, the man was nice, he promised me a job.....in the yonder horizon but still a job...aite...its difficult...so he is instantly pardoned...after all he speaks my language of engaging with the world, a world out destroy everything in it...self-fulfilling prophecy...the-world-is-out-to-get-you-mode...capitalistic conspiracy.....American conspiracy....manipulation of an educational system to create clones that befit the capitalistic growth....we don't need no education (remember Pink Floyd)....we all come from there and move towards agency and a load of bull...can't comprehend what I am trying to say?... don't worry neither do i!!....well, okay so here was a man meeting me to talk about a prospective job offer..... now judging me in my own language....sweet revenge. This led me into thinking about all the things I do wrong....and have friends that reiterate them...i had to tell thampi....he was one of them....so on an auto, amidst traffic, I screamed my new found theory to a poor thampi boarding the 8 P.M train to the land of mallus...he listened with awe to discoveries....protesting once in a way...if I let him that is(my roomy says I bully him, which is not true, so she mothers him too...hehe)...our similarities ranged from inability to stand boredom, boring friends, taking things too seriously, exclusivity principle....the list went on till both of us couldn't recollect the list....But bullying counsellor counselled about everything....his doomed marriage....his possible mental disabilities....poor boy...has enough troubles of his own...por favor senor/senorita, I am going on forever...(oh that by the way was an indication that I am learning Spanish...now I know why I suck at grammar....lack of structural thought...bloody hell how am I going to do structural linguistics...))
I thought it was over for the night...enough conspiracy theories for a day....but no...i had to drown my sorrows into the darkness of the night...so against the will of my protesting body.....i ventured forth with the rock band star and la enamora into the depth of the night....into that hell hole they might as well have called velocity or acceleration or momentum or inertia....would have made no difference....cause throughout the night a fear captured my already drained brain....last conspiracy theory for the day.....the music, the people, the culture was one of stunted growth....the crowd was almost the same....like an incestuous little tribe of devil worshippers...Lord save them from my wrath!!...everywhere people shook their head in similar salutation to the sound of that music....dikchik dikchik....all in a trance as if possessed by the spirit of the devil himself.....of euphoria....overcome by the pleasure of primal instincts...do I sound like the priest from the Salvation of the Christ sect....Jehovah's victims....if I do that's my intention....that's conspiracy theory...men and women lost to the sound of mollifying repetitive sound...trance, house, whatever....it took me only a few minutes to realise I was shaking my head too.....aaargh!!! I am ruined....my pretentious intellectuality is out....i am exposed to the luring flesh....my eyes get misty, lost in the enveloping smoke......maybe my brain cells were bursting....sheesh...i was soon going to be one of them....a member of the incestuous clan (well I have already been charged of that once before)...i showed signs.....it took me an hour or so to let go of that discomfort and the itch to register this theory on paper...virtual at least....it took me that much time to return to my own full-of-myself-superior self....so at the end of the day after so many glasses of fermented juices I ended up looking pissed more than drunk....i was pissed.....with the pub, with myself....with la enamora, with the rockstar...with his statue of a friend....i came down to planet earth only when I realised how in my moment of intense boredom I failed to notice how drunk la enamora had become....yikes!!! she had to drive me and herself back...poor judgement...i wasn't after all the superior self I imagined...i can't even f**king drive!!!!!!....so I held tight while she giggled her little self back home....never once breathing a sigh of relief...i slept a tight little ball....dreaming bad dreams....but sun rose as if nothing ever happened...that amazes me.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Go Goa
Life has become better all of a sudden...i have been depressed for almost a week now...thoughts muddled....motivation hitting negative scale....emotions have a supersonic frequency...all things contradictory seemed to exist in the same space...result was chaos.....today, something seems lighter....it was the appraisal last evening....i laid my cards down....i learnt something about me....i am extremely candid and honest....i can hide it...but I start looking like a helium balloon...ok,ok the lighter mood is an indicator of the fact that today is the day I should write that much pending blog on my trip to goa...the plan had been brewing for a while...a trip had to be made...people were itching in their seats in the IT sector as well as the development sector..i have been whining for a while...needed that much awaited break...i guess it happens bi-monthly for me ...its not the place that generally makes the differences...its the idea of a trip...the concept...of course place comes after it...we planned it medium this time...take a few days off before the upcoming child marriage...in my terms...wayanad, coorg, dandeli...all the nearby places crossed our sharp radars...till goa popped up as a sudden brain wave to the aero-psycho-nautic's mind...too much of detour for a trip to kannur?....what the hell...goa it is...
Planning ranged back and forth on group mails...routes, mates, abusive substances, beach side shacks, nude beaches...trains, buses, flights...you name it...the scout had begun....secrets, comfort zones...all were thought through before the final decision was made....to much confusion... as to who booked what, who cooked what and who spend for all this....what is ever gona happen...at last one friday evening I left the city on a 6 hour trip to the next metro...b'lore...i shivered the whole night through...partially fearing the fever that was impending, partially just to keep warm....partially worried my bladder might burst...but except for the trailer lorry side tracked on the road, the trip was uneventful....i arrived early morning, before sunrise, with my personal body guard...on to the cool streets of Bengaluru...only to be stuck for an hour at the bus stop....cause our chaddy pal decided to drink the night before.....celebrating some random excuse.....and slept through our billion desperate phone calls and curses....everything was forgotten when at last we saw his sheepish smile...what are these idiotic chaddy pals for anyway....they ditch you and then rescue you...like we do with pet parrots...but like the parrot you still love them only cause they rescued you...so the night in shining armour took us to another knight in sleepy armour...who was such a good host that he started snoozing before I stepped into his lair....but it was roof above our heads alright....the onus was left to the three of us to find spots at his feet or floor....or go anywhere as long as the lion slept peacefully...before snoozing off he warned...no, forbade us from stepping into his kitchen.....which was a small space between the door and the rest of the room.....which seemed dire until later I was told that it was because a lizard in his lair had a sweet tooth and decided to feast in his sugar box....the day was spend without seeing more than a street in b'lore.....cooking, yelling, substance abuse, ravishing mutton...the aero-psycho-nautic lion also turned out be a good cook...talk about versatile friends
Trip to Goa on a bus from B'lore was less eventful....and the trip to our first destination – Morjim Beach...seemed long drawn...we could hardly push our lazy arses down to the beach restaurant...once we plonked there, no live soul could bring us back...so we ate, drank, ate, drank....and chatted as always of old days...childhood in school is all that we really have in common and a few months of renewed friendship...it takes time...for people to bring out their baggages...and as always we slowly opened the pandora's box....then it just kept coming.....as soon as the sun hit the west coast....we hit the beach after a self-imposed-doped-out-afternoon-siesta that every marquezian only dreams of...in our quaint thatched hut near the beach...exotic huh? After hours of faking swimming, drowning, relentlessly facing the waves that seemed intentionally directed to my nostrils...we once again hit the beach restaurant for an all night session of alcohol and jokes and crap and bitching....stories after stories we giggled like little girls (sorry guys)...tripped on each other's idiosyncrasies....that's all we do really!!! followed by a round table conference and debate....one by one people lapsed into a stage popularly known as “passing out”.....common parlance I say...i would rather seeing it as passing slowly into a wonderland of dreams unseen...of breaking orders and tribe rules.....
Next day after a heavy b'fast filled with anal discussions on anal passages...we headed to a place that can only be compared to paradise...palolim....living by the turquoise blue....sea green....expanse...in little coloured huts....precariously built....feeling the sand under our feets at every step....i learnt for once how to walk neck deep into water and let go my ego with every wave....the waves and I reached a compromise...i accepted my minisculity in comparison...let it hit me....push me....drown me....and let me fly...for a brief moment....feeling the gentle sea breeze in my wet hair....and the icy current on my feet....my eyes taking in every bit of green around me....well my buddy chums also saw their bit of green...among the bikini-clad, sparsely populated, receding tourists....lovers who used the thin cover of the green water to explore new dimensions of sexual intercourse....well sheepishly I had my eyes filled too with these rare spotting...the best part was that everyone followed their own whims as to what they wanted to do...so while one turned mermaid through the trip...some were sleeping beauties or sullen gypsies...i used my space to worry less about how I looked and pretend to be more like Halle Berry walking out of the sea in a bond flick...all differences came to a stand still at sun down when all four of us joined hands to hit the next beach shack for another round of sweetly brewed poisons....that gave me wings enough to venture neck deep into sea at midnight....
We encroached spaces and found our niches as time passed....till it reached a point when I decided that I could marry one...hehe who would have thought...now I have plan B ready way before I even organise path for plan A..............heading back....the road was more eventful...no don't get me wrong eventful only in terms of things new and tense....we decided we were travelling to kannur unreserved...adventure began the moment we stepped out of the safe womb of the sea....suddenly I was converted from my image of Halle Berry...to a conservative drunk women to be taken care of by young chivalrous men...and it was true....they were nice chivalrous men...and I was a weakling just set out to doze off...so chivalry felt most appropriate....though I can't figure out the rational of chivalry, I know it felt good....so I reached safe and sound, with a slight hunch back for my old lover's marriage...time went by so fast.....depression took over my thinking for next few days....now I can feel its glow.....life seems all about impressions left from long walks by the beach.
Planning ranged back and forth on group mails...routes, mates, abusive substances, beach side shacks, nude beaches...trains, buses, flights...you name it...the scout had begun....secrets, comfort zones...all were thought through before the final decision was made....to much confusion... as to who booked what, who cooked what and who spend for all this....what is ever gona happen...at last one friday evening I left the city on a 6 hour trip to the next metro...b'lore...i shivered the whole night through...partially fearing the fever that was impending, partially just to keep warm....partially worried my bladder might burst...but except for the trailer lorry side tracked on the road, the trip was uneventful....i arrived early morning, before sunrise, with my personal body guard...on to the cool streets of Bengaluru...only to be stuck for an hour at the bus stop....cause our chaddy pal decided to drink the night before.....celebrating some random excuse.....and slept through our billion desperate phone calls and curses....everything was forgotten when at last we saw his sheepish smile...what are these idiotic chaddy pals for anyway....they ditch you and then rescue you...like we do with pet parrots...but like the parrot you still love them only cause they rescued you...so the night in shining armour took us to another knight in sleepy armour...who was such a good host that he started snoozing before I stepped into his lair....but it was roof above our heads alright....the onus was left to the three of us to find spots at his feet or floor....or go anywhere as long as the lion slept peacefully...before snoozing off he warned...no, forbade us from stepping into his kitchen.....which was a small space between the door and the rest of the room.....which seemed dire until later I was told that it was because a lizard in his lair had a sweet tooth and decided to feast in his sugar box....the day was spend without seeing more than a street in b'lore.....cooking, yelling, substance abuse, ravishing mutton...the aero-psycho-nautic lion also turned out be a good cook...talk about versatile friends
Trip to Goa on a bus from B'lore was less eventful....and the trip to our first destination – Morjim Beach...seemed long drawn...we could hardly push our lazy arses down to the beach restaurant...once we plonked there, no live soul could bring us back...so we ate, drank, ate, drank....and chatted as always of old days...childhood in school is all that we really have in common and a few months of renewed friendship...it takes time...for people to bring out their baggages...and as always we slowly opened the pandora's box....then it just kept coming.....as soon as the sun hit the west coast....we hit the beach after a self-imposed-doped-out-afternoon-siesta that every marquezian only dreams of...in our quaint thatched hut near the beach...exotic huh? After hours of faking swimming, drowning, relentlessly facing the waves that seemed intentionally directed to my nostrils...we once again hit the beach restaurant for an all night session of alcohol and jokes and crap and bitching....stories after stories we giggled like little girls (sorry guys)...tripped on each other's idiosyncrasies....that's all we do really!!! followed by a round table conference and debate....one by one people lapsed into a stage popularly known as “passing out”.....common parlance I say...i would rather seeing it as passing slowly into a wonderland of dreams unseen...of breaking orders and tribe rules.....
Next day after a heavy b'fast filled with anal discussions on anal passages...we headed to a place that can only be compared to paradise...palolim....living by the turquoise blue....sea green....expanse...in little coloured huts....precariously built....feeling the sand under our feets at every step....i learnt for once how to walk neck deep into water and let go my ego with every wave....the waves and I reached a compromise...i accepted my minisculity in comparison...let it hit me....push me....drown me....and let me fly...for a brief moment....feeling the gentle sea breeze in my wet hair....and the icy current on my feet....my eyes taking in every bit of green around me....well my buddy chums also saw their bit of green...among the bikini-clad, sparsely populated, receding tourists....lovers who used the thin cover of the green water to explore new dimensions of sexual intercourse....well sheepishly I had my eyes filled too with these rare spotting...the best part was that everyone followed their own whims as to what they wanted to do...so while one turned mermaid through the trip...some were sleeping beauties or sullen gypsies...i used my space to worry less about how I looked and pretend to be more like Halle Berry walking out of the sea in a bond flick...all differences came to a stand still at sun down when all four of us joined hands to hit the next beach shack for another round of sweetly brewed poisons....that gave me wings enough to venture neck deep into sea at midnight....
We encroached spaces and found our niches as time passed....till it reached a point when I decided that I could marry one...hehe who would have thought...now I have plan B ready way before I even organise path for plan A..............heading back....the road was more eventful...no don't get me wrong eventful only in terms of things new and tense....we decided we were travelling to kannur unreserved...adventure began the moment we stepped out of the safe womb of the sea....suddenly I was converted from my image of Halle Berry...to a conservative drunk women to be taken care of by young chivalrous men...and it was true....they were nice chivalrous men...and I was a weakling just set out to doze off...so chivalry felt most appropriate....though I can't figure out the rational of chivalry, I know it felt good....so I reached safe and sound, with a slight hunch back for my old lover's marriage...time went by so fast.....depression took over my thinking for next few days....now I can feel its glow.....life seems all about impressions left from long walks by the beach.
Friday, April 25, 2008
movie watching
Here's a new habit my roomy and I have developed...watch the weekly movie premiere at Satyam...called “blind date.” Most of you have already heard about it. It affords you to watch a movie premiere before its release the next day but the catch is you are not told which movie is screened..Of course you can make informed guesses in accordance to the releases next day...after which its a partial blind game of probability...you can eliminate on the basis of rating...so my roomy who is our “booker”, okay that is not complicated, she does the online booking and arranging, has developed some fairly complex systems to predict this weekly event. If it is “A” rated then you know it is an English movie, if it is “U/A” then it can be either Tamil, Hindi or English...but then who will want to watch an “U/A” rated English movie, she says...that is not entirely true as I am not averse to animation, fantasies and magical realism...but on an average both of us prefer a serious English movie with a little bit of kissing maybe...so “A” rating is our first preference...
After having been to this auspicious screening three-four times....we realised our luck alternates...first was American gangster, good......then it was Epic movie, yuck!! the worst so far....then came 'there will be blood”, good...and the recent screening last night was “water horse”, so-so, could have been much better...or I have grown old...since my roomy clearly doesn't share my preference for children's movies...I have to do the rating myself...we did give a five minute analysis as to the possible occurrence of our luck...was it our company? Was it just an alternating factor?this is hard to say...since except for the two of us who remain constant, our company has varied from friends to colleague friends to colleagues to just us....so then its probably only the alternating factor...having said that the potential of the next week premiere being good is very high...in all probability an Oscar winning movie....thus every Thursday due to the frequent recurrence of this event now it has become fairly simple to predict conclusively one main component of our dinner- popcorn- buttered, buttered and mixed with these flavours, plain....but popcorn all the same.
Seeing a movie in Chennai takes me to the next diagnosis- the movie watching experience in Chennai ... I cannot conclusively decide whether its my social status improvement or just low cost of tickets at movies halls...but it definitely is better than Delhi!! Yes its still expensive for the masses and promote a sort of elitism without struggle. Having said that, it also has 10/- special offer tickets that our honourable chief minister has offered to the masses...yes a low percentage in comparison to the volume, still a better deal in that sense. Now to differentiate it from the Delhi experience, it is important to enunciate a bit about the latter....
They are huge mega plazas where there are multiple frisking modes....some halls don't let you take your handbags in....it becomes a pain for someone who suddenly decides to watch a movie or someone who is late...most of these mega malls have elaborate décor but no space for the bags of the poor ignorants who come with sometimes expensive bag or bags with expensive contents....you can't carry food in....you try to sneak it in like every responsible citizen in our country...but the guards at the entrance don't just have detectors but mastiff olfactory sensors....so while you try to decipher that strange feeling in your tummy when the uniformed lady casually browsed your private parts, she has already sniffed out the bag of chip and cigarettes. Pitiable state. You are forced to throw them while they evaluate you, with absolute disgust...
Hunger is an instinct that takes over most people while watching a movie in a theatre...as it is an integral part of the modern movie watching scene...it sort of becomes associative...movie begins your mouth waters for a small munch...(remember Pavlov).....you reach a counter that has well elaborated picturesque menus that makes your mouth look more like a slimy pond and stunts your rational thinking....soon you have bought yourself that poisonous liquid they call fountain whatever or something...cause you were told that a combo of that and your fave popcorn came cheaper....you are convinced except that the price is higher by a margin and the drink is more ice, essentially water, than anything else....victim of the new-age corporatism and fanciful brain-fucking experience, you come back to your seat to realise that the air-conditioning has turned your seat and the drink to ice....well it is a marketable deal for a rich guy or girl eager to be close to their companion...otherwise it sucks...All this costs you nothing less that 250...inclusive of taxes and popcorn of course...and the shame of being felt all over (places you never dared touch yourself!!!)...you console yourself thinking its worse at Taj Mahal...where feeling wonder-eyed tourist has become an artful profession.
Chennai is not radically different but prices are lower, nobody frisks you in most places and those who do are partially blind....you can sneak in food or fags by strategically placing it...some even let you in without tickets...of course you need to smile real sweetly....popcorn is way cheaper and there is real butter in it!!! loads of it!!!....its not just a picture outside the popcorn counter...bags of all sorts are allowed or just browsed before letting in...one can take pains to stand in a long morning queue and afford these services for a price of 10/-...movies are a part of everyday living in this part of the country and so the culture varies too...
After having been to this auspicious screening three-four times....we realised our luck alternates...first was American gangster, good......then it was Epic movie, yuck!! the worst so far....then came 'there will be blood”, good...and the recent screening last night was “water horse”, so-so, could have been much better...or I have grown old...since my roomy clearly doesn't share my preference for children's movies...I have to do the rating myself...we did give a five minute analysis as to the possible occurrence of our luck...was it our company? Was it just an alternating factor?this is hard to say...since except for the two of us who remain constant, our company has varied from friends to colleague friends to colleagues to just us....so then its probably only the alternating factor...having said that the potential of the next week premiere being good is very high...in all probability an Oscar winning movie....thus every Thursday due to the frequent recurrence of this event now it has become fairly simple to predict conclusively one main component of our dinner- popcorn- buttered, buttered and mixed with these flavours, plain....but popcorn all the same.
Seeing a movie in Chennai takes me to the next diagnosis- the movie watching experience in Chennai ... I cannot conclusively decide whether its my social status improvement or just low cost of tickets at movies halls...but it definitely is better than Delhi!! Yes its still expensive for the masses and promote a sort of elitism without struggle. Having said that, it also has 10/- special offer tickets that our honourable chief minister has offered to the masses...yes a low percentage in comparison to the volume, still a better deal in that sense. Now to differentiate it from the Delhi experience, it is important to enunciate a bit about the latter....
They are huge mega plazas where there are multiple frisking modes....some halls don't let you take your handbags in....it becomes a pain for someone who suddenly decides to watch a movie or someone who is late...most of these mega malls have elaborate décor but no space for the bags of the poor ignorants who come with sometimes expensive bag or bags with expensive contents....you can't carry food in....you try to sneak it in like every responsible citizen in our country...but the guards at the entrance don't just have detectors but mastiff olfactory sensors....so while you try to decipher that strange feeling in your tummy when the uniformed lady casually browsed your private parts, she has already sniffed out the bag of chip and cigarettes. Pitiable state. You are forced to throw them while they evaluate you, with absolute disgust...
Hunger is an instinct that takes over most people while watching a movie in a theatre...as it is an integral part of the modern movie watching scene...it sort of becomes associative...movie begins your mouth waters for a small munch...(remember Pavlov).....you reach a counter that has well elaborated picturesque menus that makes your mouth look more like a slimy pond and stunts your rational thinking....soon you have bought yourself that poisonous liquid they call fountain whatever or something...cause you were told that a combo of that and your fave popcorn came cheaper....you are convinced except that the price is higher by a margin and the drink is more ice, essentially water, than anything else....victim of the new-age corporatism and fanciful brain-fucking experience, you come back to your seat to realise that the air-conditioning has turned your seat and the drink to ice....well it is a marketable deal for a rich guy or girl eager to be close to their companion...otherwise it sucks...All this costs you nothing less that 250...inclusive of taxes and popcorn of course...and the shame of being felt all over (places you never dared touch yourself!!!)...you console yourself thinking its worse at Taj Mahal...where feeling wonder-eyed tourist has become an artful profession.
Chennai is not radically different but prices are lower, nobody frisks you in most places and those who do are partially blind....you can sneak in food or fags by strategically placing it...some even let you in without tickets...of course you need to smile real sweetly....popcorn is way cheaper and there is real butter in it!!! loads of it!!!....its not just a picture outside the popcorn counter...bags of all sorts are allowed or just browsed before letting in...one can take pains to stand in a long morning queue and afford these services for a price of 10/-...movies are a part of everyday living in this part of the country and so the culture varies too...
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
the known
This is the longest break I have taken from this page. Can't really say I was in hibernation or reflecting on the different modalities my page should take...rather, I was stuck trying to deal with the eventualities of my life and the everydayness of my existence...simply speaking, I have been going mad at work...if there is a moment I wait for, it is one I spend in the company of people I agree with. But as always people I agree with say the same things I say....there is a grandeur in the familiar but there is also a sense of redundancy....of a continuity that distances into terrible discontinuity....to the point where one wonders what effect all this dialogue has...knowing very well unconsciously that all dialogues ultimately have this effect....in spite of this one can't help wondering about the repetition...the realisation dawns that interaction is better with things inanimate....no, not inanimate...but things that do not speak one's language....the interaction is more poignant and effective...the interaction with a book, with a place, with a photograph bring out concrete experiences that simi-lingual animate objects don't bring...root cause is probably as simple as escapism....escaping having to tolerate one more like oneself
After having gone into detail on the importance of the inanimate and recourse in its arms...one still looks for the familiar....yes it is severe contradiction that I am suggesting.....switching between the comfort of one and at once claiming a dislike for it......middle path one knows is knowing the unknown animate ( i didn't take my logic classes for nothing!) but comfort zones prevent the interaction....so here I am planning on taking swimming classes, guitar classes, music classes.....trips to place...of buying a camera....to avoid the known.
Articulation is becoming problematic day by day...I have no thoughts except the ones required for execution of tasks that are remunerated at the end of the month...at the same time I am becoming precisely articulate at that task....if I am asked for a reason I would say I am receding...but I know I am not...I am pretending to...if I recede, with me recedes this blog and all in it...for the blog is nothing but me.....no, a slice of me...
Once again I climbed the steps of that familiar staircase in that familiar city looking for the known....luck might have that the known sensed my arrival and made itself present....a hour of the known was like meeting your soul in hell...if hell be a place of vice pleasures...once again I indulged in the act of love, of self-love (philautia).....I couldn't let go of it...the pleasure was intense...but pleasure is overrated....and like all vice pleasures this slipped once again to redundancy...still when it slipped out my hands I felt nothing but sharp pain...a pain of having lost the known self again...that my friend, hopefully describes the contradictions running through this piece....this pleasure visited me again not so long after the first...the pleasure was intense, so was the loss....but now it worries me if I will lose myself to this pleasure or to this being....
After having gone into detail on the importance of the inanimate and recourse in its arms...one still looks for the familiar....yes it is severe contradiction that I am suggesting.....switching between the comfort of one and at once claiming a dislike for it......middle path one knows is knowing the unknown animate ( i didn't take my logic classes for nothing!) but comfort zones prevent the interaction....so here I am planning on taking swimming classes, guitar classes, music classes.....trips to place...of buying a camera....to avoid the known.
Articulation is becoming problematic day by day...I have no thoughts except the ones required for execution of tasks that are remunerated at the end of the month...at the same time I am becoming precisely articulate at that task....if I am asked for a reason I would say I am receding...but I know I am not...I am pretending to...if I recede, with me recedes this blog and all in it...for the blog is nothing but me.....no, a slice of me...
Once again I climbed the steps of that familiar staircase in that familiar city looking for the known....luck might have that the known sensed my arrival and made itself present....a hour of the known was like meeting your soul in hell...if hell be a place of vice pleasures...once again I indulged in the act of love, of self-love (philautia).....I couldn't let go of it...the pleasure was intense...but pleasure is overrated....and like all vice pleasures this slipped once again to redundancy...still when it slipped out my hands I felt nothing but sharp pain...a pain of having lost the known self again...that my friend, hopefully describes the contradictions running through this piece....this pleasure visited me again not so long after the first...the pleasure was intense, so was the loss....but now it worries me if I will lose myself to this pleasure or to this being....
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