fatti meri

what a lovely day!! its a new year, its a new day...itsa new begininnng....but as my wheels of fate had decided in some sordid clandestine conspiracy with the prince of hades, i am stuck on my revolving chair on a declared holiday. All because i am manager!!! all because i am paid to dance to the tunes of they who run this godforsaken organisation. But then where are they, when i have tied my hair up in a neat coil and am wearing freshly ironed clothes......vanished...wondering what the fuck i am writing? yea me too....let me give it to you straight...here i am after a late night or rather early morning new year's celebration, sitting in front of my flashy screen...my eyes are drooping, my nerves edgy, my hands siver from lack of sleep and water....no i am not below the poverty line.....i am just a overgrown immature chick with money to spend on alcohol.....i am forced to come to office for the much anticipated conference call marking the beginning of my new job profile...yea i asked for too much too soon...and as i wait in utter desperation for my boss to turn up....i realise that she is out on a personal errand....i thought only i didn't respond to phone calls...but apparently not!!! so here i am sitting with puffy eyes on an otherwise holiday waiting for this big meeting in the afternoon...which is basically five men and women rambling about the castles they have built on thin air.....yea thats what life is all about...its about party poopers, sleep waking alarms and babbling mobs.....

i am so zonked that i really can't decide what i a writing or what i have written but i realised that the time has come when blogs are going to be a further constellation in my universe and poverty reduction is going to be the sun shining in my profit motivated, i-don't-know-what -the-fuck galaxy. But i write for the pleasure of pleasuring myself on a lovely new years day....secretly also because i realised i have three regular readers of my blog....dammit i am never quite delicate

some things

I am back on my revolving chair after a week's hibernation and i hate to say this but everything here worked very well without me...a solace and a pinching sensation all at the same time...so while i was catching up on sleep and grub at home, life went as usual in this buzzing office where people work on the dreams of others....millionaire's dreams of course...

I, as always, went with the renewed hope of celebrating christmas....the age old festival with all its colours...but all i really did was sleep throught the sermon, hurry through the duck stew and duck roast...cribbed about visiting relatives....it was the same...though there is that familiar pleasure of the same and known....so while i was at home i missed my freedom and my cosy apartment...my drinks and my pals....now i miss the time i lazed around, procastinated chores, fought with mom, slumped in front of the TV, meeting old friends and new....oh ok it was goooood in the old fashioned way...and now i am sitting with sleepy eyes in front of my laptop wondering why on earth i came back on a friday...why didn't i just take today off and monday off and come back on wednesday after the much awaited trip to Goa with old friends...man do i punish myself or what?

exciting part was meeting old friends and new....classmates from school, batchmates from college...felt like old times...cooking, drinking and doing bad stuff sneakily...forgot about my boring revolving chair for a quite a bit...so i am now a renewed sleepy person....who is waiting for new years to party my with out!!!! free at last free at last thank god we are free at last....

ghosts in the closet

One likes to believe that the ghosts in ones closets are snug there. That it won’t raise its hood to threaten the peace of our everyday lives. We like to believe that our ghosts are unique, and they are...everyone has them and own them with the same rigor and fear with which you cling onto yours...each as important as the other. So while i was busy trying to slam the doors of my closet and to move ahead i remained nonchalant of the efforts of others. It’s almost always there for everyone to see though people make desperate efforts to hide...it moulds the person. People create ephemeral guises....to mask their dirty laundry but every now and then they peek out....and when they do, it’s available for everyone’s viewing....in spite of this we refuse to see them or acknowledge....we often than not never acknowledge ours, far less of that of others...only a few have acknowledged them and even less who get past its grips....I realised I am a fossil from my own past everything new in me is a fossilised version of my past...i guess that’s how people change...what I am saying is the incapability to get past your past....(ok that’s a lot of ssssttts there) to call one’s own only ones past, to not look at now and later but only behind...it’s like driving in heavy traffic looking hind ward....one has to glance back but fixing your eyes on the past is dangerous endeavour...like in driving...trying to live with your ghost in belief that your ghosts are the only real ghost is a mistake....it stunts growth, it stunts opportunity....you are eternally looking behind or inward when opportunity presents itself upfront.....one is stuck in a weird nostalgia....
But now the problem is not being stuck in the past but in the realisation that one is stuck and not being able to motivate oneself into looking forward....

eventful or not

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So after an eventful weekend i am back to my revolving chair. The reviews were, as usual, not as scary as anticipated. But it was an interesting day filled with events. I am generally famous for my paranoia whenever i have to travel early....i usually suffer from lack of sleep wake up before the alarm....reach the airport an hour before time...etc....so this time i trusted my body to respond to the situation...but as Madame fate had decided on a different course, i slept peacefully, dreamt of missing the plane, chided myself on my lack of self confidence in my ever efficient body....woke up though not with the sound of alarm but of the doorbell...my frenzied friend stood outside and screamed.....what are you doing....get ready in 10 minutes....those were the fastest ten minutes in my recent experience....i had not heard the alarm, switched off my friend’s call....the subconscious can be devious...but i made it...all the way to the airport i was dumbstruck...how could this happen?? How could this happen to me!!....all this while i thought i knew how my body worked....But that was not all.....after an uneventful flight to Mumbai, we were all piled into an auto speeding in the direction of the office when on the highway my bag decided to take a break....so out it went into the highway....into the midst of busy traffic...the por dear....it took me a while to realise what had happened and before i knew...my friend was stopping the heavy traffic as i watched my tickets, boarding pass fly in various direction....i could cry...here i was going for my first mid-term review and i was seeing all sorts of ill-omens on the way...to top it all i stained my clothes...i am jinxed!!

This was not a good day....i was tired and ill prepared...and not least in the mental frame to do the marketing of my efficiency...but i had earned the sympathy card by now...so the second chance was to be mine....i waited as my colleague went through 3 excruciating hours of i-really-don’t-know-what...i tried reading, practising, browsing but only sleeping helped....then at 1500hours it was my turn...to face the tirade of questions...i joked, i mumbled i stumbled through the presentation....i waited with my heart in my mouth for the moment when they’d tell me....we are sorry you are not fit for the organisation.....but all i got were compliments and constructive criticism...what a sham!! i mean all this worrying for this!!! I tell you life is full of such moments...for which you wait and wait and realise it was so easy...so well i decided to indulge in some heavy spending soon after....and that for me is cosmetic shopping...body shop lip balms and marks and spencers body wash....good girl!! You have done nothing again and is getting rewarded....now i know why i complain about the plainness of my life....there are no real moments....no culmination...no catastrophe...thank my stars i am boring

boredom, i think

One can’t sometimes help wonders how people are so different from one another....there are some who takes life serious like there’s no tomorrow while others watch as bystanders while life passes them...calm never budging, never budging while other bustle around trying to get things right...just right enough....the perfect size they want...and when it happens they rejoice, merry make and party...of course its never complete if it was then people would stop trying right?....there are also those funny kinds who care but don’t care enough to budge and those who don’t care but put up a pretence of care....zillions of such permutations and combinations....its funny just listening to these people....so in a workplace like mine...where people are rated on the basis of their work...you see these traits surfacing...some are just doing a job, some are working for the boss, some for the institution and other for principles.....some are last minute workers, some have started work even before it was given....two ends of a spectrum...and various positioning with this range of options....here i am sitting at probably the most important moment in my six month old career....review time...worried about why i am not worried...worried why i am not serious...i was always the last minute types...but now i get away even without the last minute...maybe i have become overconfident and i am hoping to escape yet another time....i have tipped over the limits of procrastination too....its probably a leniency towards risk from an otherwise non-risk taking person....a love and fear of living on the edge....my dreams have always been risky after all....i always tipped to the risky side but never got there..its one of the varied combinations....so here i am sitting on a revolving chair...waiting for the clock to strike last minute so that the panic bells can begin chiming in my bloody head....

Well its this tipping or leanings that keep me going...i am going to be world traveller someday......i’ll start with India on a shoe string budget...visit Orissa...then Sikkim...Arunachal, Meghalaya. Assam....Bhutan...to make things look real i actually browse through the websites of outlook traveller, travel and living...for job opportunities...or its probably to whet my senses and have nothing to do with risk.....i am very sensual...i get turned on by cookery shows, wine connoisseurs, travel and wildlife photography...cuisines....i hated Anthony Bourdain for a significant period of my college life cause his job was the ultimate for me...cook’s tour...what the f**k...how did he get that job...can you believe travelling around the world trying out different cuisines....smacking one’s lips into the camera...also getting to travel to hotspots around the world...ohhhhh!!! i hate him!...i hate everyone who strives to and actually manage to live on their own terms.....the people who lived like paupers to write what they believed....how do they do that...how am i in wont? Ok clock is ticking close to the hour of panic and here i am discussing The Cook’s Tour...life sucks!!the moral of the story is i am last minute person in a job for just the money...my principles have gone astray...i have no principle...i want to drift into a world of fantasy.....(snooze)

CALVIN: "The purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas,
obscure pure reasoning, and inhibit clarity.
With a little practice, writing can be an intimidating and impenetrable fog!"

disjunct

i don't know if this is a manufacturing defect but my heart is completely disjointed from my brains..my brains makes decisions that my heart can't obey....results in a commotion...i pace around like caged animal trying really hard to listen to my brains....after all it is the learned one and capable of making sense....somewhere truth eludes me all the time...and i remain stuck in grey zone....it is severe in love.


My heart should belong to a hapless romantic and my brain to a women striving to be rational and strong...i often burden myself into carrying the pain of loss against the will of my heart and then regret it...i guess for the rest of my life....what i don't get is why my heart and brain can't work as a team...it would save me a lot of time and struggle and sadly a few labels...i remain stuck in between not knowing who is right...looking like the fool who never knows whats good for her....i think the problem is not just of a disjoint but of locations...locations of these two prime organs at the two ends of the spectrum...one jumpy and naive....other striving towards strength and extremely ambitious at that.....can you imagine having to live with these buggers for all these years....the yearning and the prohibitions....

i have been bursting out of my body everytime i have heard some songs in the past few days....he, whoever, ok shelley was right, it is the sweetest songs that remind us of our saddest thoughts......the pain recurs like a guilt.....its happens so often that i don't know who or what i yearn for anymore...i just know its painful..its physical pain.....i squirm beneath its grip...it just won't leave....its like harbouring two monsters within a cage both rattling against the walls of my poor flesh...but i must say i am biased...i always listen to my brains...i value its knowledge and its sense of me....but times like these it is difficult...i don't know whether it is right....i know these are transient feeling..it disappears as soon as the desired object is acheived but i cannot help but think that the regret is going to follow me for the rest of my life....of having never given my heart a chance to breathe...i show signs of severe depression afterall

rage!!

I was angry with my friend,
I told my wrath, my wrath did end;
I was angry with my foe,
I told it not, my wrath did grow.

William Blake

life as it goes

I am up late as usual....my morning wake up time has switched from 630 to 730 to now 815...the maid's knocking on the door.....i quickly clear up last night's mess...lest she spill the beans to the ever prying, conservative Chennai neighbourhood....I am surprised to see the old maid outside after a span of two whole months (its a long story)...but to cut long story short she assigned a temporary lady to take care of chores while she was away....but she never came back...and in course of time my roommate had fallen in love with this new lady who was quiet and sweet....i guess so did i...i like anyone who doesn't bother me...so if someone is quiet works very well for me...you do your thing and i do mine...



So here we are facing old ghosts...the lady pleads with us....she has no other way of living....another long story of a drunken husband and hapless woman taking over family responsibility...to complicate issues the new one turns up...my roomy is put very unfairly (of course by me) into the judge's shoes....theres chaos...theres the poor lady crying for help versus the one we are fond of...well i feign ignorance...i don't know the language....i can't make a decision...so she is stranded to decide on her own...it was intuition....i knew the upcoming decision...sympathy always works with us....

So here we are stuck with the lady who talks a lot....yes kindness is rewarded in this life or the next...i already miss the other one....but these are not matter of choice its a matter of whats right...right??....both of us pretend we don't miss her...we rejected her, she must be thinking the same...the old one is super nice today....its examination for her....theres no need for kindness will be repayed in this life or the next...amen

Me, myself and.....

Not so long ago i had a crush...one that almost blew me away....i was in college and like all college students thought their professors were the reason why the world went round and round...(well definitely not all of them, some i could strangle and condemn to the eternal fire for wasting my time)...(sorry for the animosity but trust me they deserve it, i tried protesting by bunking but i think they thought i was a regular bunker)......So this crush of mine or rather this prof of mine was not someone people would call handsome....but don't ask me to spell the long list of women who have gone through the same trauma....some even ended up dropping the course!!!...so you can imagine the power differential added to this extreme sort of attraction...he was what one could call a out-of-the box thinker (he had to be, if i had to waste my time on him), charming in his aged wisdom and idiotic jokes.....it often got to my nerves....then one day i decided on deliberation that he was good material for a crush, afterall life was getting boring and boys never suited my taste....it was a deliberated move....big mistake!!!

Next thing i knew i couldn't sit in class without noticing the way the sleeves of his shirt rolled to expose that lovely hand or the colour of his skin against all that body hair...(sigh)...the way his hand moved, the callous strong palm....i could go on and on till eternity and psyche the hell out of you but i won't......my tendency to be cocky and arrogant around his bad jokes faded to a blush and mumbling and an exasperated attempt at being funny......i would desperately look for excuses to enter his smoke filled room....to search for books, for advise on irrelevant material.....i was too conservative to fantasize but my vain attempts soon made me realise that i was a goner and that he could see through me....oh apart from his gango lectures he had those sharp eyes...they unnerved me.....it stripped me of the lil courage i had mustered climbing up two flights of stairs.....i knew he knew and that was embarrassing....at some point desperation rose to such a level that i couldn't perform normally...i'd just sit and wait around all day for him to turn up and then loose courage to even attend his class with other forty pairs of eyes....

One day it dawned on me that my trajectory was completely screwed up!!! this was not my plan...my plan was to use a silly crush to pep up my life, to motivate me to attend more classes....not mumble my way into anonymity...i wasn't gona let that happen....so i changed strategy...i became attentive....spoke my mind, opinion....(oh not to discount he taught some of the best lessons ever-this is irrespective of the person)....i tried to read more....i began to figure out his thought process...i figured out the books he took arguments from....i began to figure out his trajectory....unfortunately for me....i was now a regular student in his class, while other professors caught me loitering around only to advise me about the benefits of attending class(as if i didn't know)......i was volunteering for presentations, i had overblown my capacity at being cynical....but still, still i shook in his presence.....i was in an invisible contest to prove myself....everyone knew about my crush....i made no secret of it....i even told my mother who freaked out to the extend of advising me against "such destructive relationships"...what relationship he didn't care i existed, even if i did it was only to add a number to his long list of female fans...blaaahhh...disgusting...

Months passed things became lighter...or maybe it was etched in my brain and the wound had healed....i had given my presentations, written tutorials and my exams.....yeah i scored much less than i wanted to ideally but then...no pain, no gain.....i compared all prospective young men to him and ruined potential love affairs.......no man except my father (oh the electra complex is back again to ruin me) had hands like his......(sigh again)...it was time to leave...to bid farewelll....i was never good at it and i never did it.....i knew (my mom brought me up well ) that this feeling was going to fade away with distance....i knew i had used him to be a better student.....i knew that this was a exploitative relationship (if it ever was to happen) and that i wouldn't like the man i saw outside the campus.....yea it was all clear.....


So months later, i visit the campus...still hoping in vain that i'll meet him...just a glimpse....and lo! as luck might be....i see him....sitting with that intellectual circle....yea its okay...its fictional...but my heart skipped so many beats that blood had stopped flowing to my limbs and had rushed to my brains....my head was throbbing...i had to take sneak peeks...disgusting, how pathetic can i get!!!....well i have to be all grown up...i m working and earning...maybe more than him....SO as i "bump" into him in the building...its all...hello sir ...oh hello how are you?hows work??...Good, good sir,er,can i come and meet you after i am done with some pending work...yeah sure...so i go to his room with my heart in my mouth...i sit all poised in my chair and as it turns out...we talk like old friends about work, satisfaction,family,love affair, sex...yea hes damn coool....he advises me on my negative traits and associates brilliantly with my behaviour....by now the my head had cooled down a bit....my heart rate had returned to normal....i was my ownself talking to someone who seemed to have ben my close friend....i had to say it...and i laughed at myself while saying it...sir, i had the hugest crush on you when i was in college....forgot to mention i still do....hehe....we talked for hours about the dynamics of prof-student relationship, its disgusting need to be based on power, the risks, the shame....we both accepted people were but people, irrespective of their position...all craving for attention....so while i craved for his, he lived off mine...it was necessary for him to feel good....i was elated at the end of this conversation....so rational, so well spoken...no animosity, no get-out-of-my-room.....it was hhaaahaa thats fine but don't let that get to you....and i was like..yea yea i know its kiddish i used it to get past college....very healthy conversation, very grown-up...whoever thought there were such great minds and hearts in this world!!! my mom didn't get it afterall

But thats the problem now....i m still star-struck, doe-eyed and waiting to meet this man again...i guess the love stems from the fact that i will never have him, own him...so it is a fantasy....it is never acheived...and it never dies.....it goes on and on....someone help me!!

sometimes out of the blue

i have been wanting of that zing...for the past one week i have been deprived of that thing...whats it called???...the will....been too lethargic to even think...to write...today has been the worst i can hardly think....and then out of the blue...like muse is to a poet came my "zing"....it came in the guise of a movie...watched the " life of David Gale"......for those who haven't seen it, it is a movie built around the cause of death penalty...whoever thought one could making a movie out something as boring as ethics...but as it turns out...it was interesting with a suspense that leaves you wondering of the effect certain causes have on people...i am always cynical about too much devotion to a cause....evn if it is as simple as faith....or "poverty reduction" cause i believe at the end of the day....people have short memories and they continue to live in total denial....but i couldn't help wonder whether i had the passion in me to die for a cause...any cause...anything....

If someone dying for death penalty is funny...then think about romeo and juliet...what were they thinking!!! but thats exactly the point i lack the vision, the passion and so does most of us....i am first in line to be cynical about a faith and then complain about absolute boredom in life....about failure in love...about loss of faith in god....when i was old enough to think i was keen to break out of the mold that my parents and the society i lived in cast me in....so throughout college i shed them, broke them, pounded them....now that i am done with rebellion i see i have lost with something of great value...passion...passion of atleast being conservative and religious...theres nothing to ground me now....

So i am hoping like everyone does through their life that i find that one passion....that will strike me like the spirit descending on the virtuous...that will redeem me from this lack of orientation...must happen out of the blue i guess, so no point waiting...

another thing i noticed in course of the movie is the fact that truth can be relative...for all of us well-educated people...truth is often vision...isn't that a little shallow....but often than not truth is based on witness...witnessing is of prime importance to history.....sacrifice is only complete with witnesses...but often we forget to think of the events that precede and follow this period of sight....events takes shape through flux and this vision we have is but a slice of this change...then how can we be so smug as to think we know it all....we judge by immediate action...always ready to pounce on people for what we think they are doing ....but what are they thinking...what is the serial killer thinking when he is hacking someone after raping him/her (presuming that all accept men can be raped)....if he is not thinking then why so? what has happened in his/her life that led to this....if catch your boyfriend cheating on you, how many of us actually think of the circumstances....or the event that preceded this event.....


i guess the reason why people don't search that far is because these kind of reasoning can jeopardise ethics...make people into believing that anything is okay...or worse just confuse people more...there can then be no decisions and judgements....cause everyone in the end has a good reason...one that convince them atleast...so history is written such that...one can ease out a slice of it for our viewing and decide from this slice what course we should follow....ever wondered why politicians fight for contents of history textbooks in school and not for physics texts when ha;f the country's upper class values science and technology??

its the tinkling sensation once again!!

After partying till 430 AM on a monday night, i am literally sleep deprived and should be acting like a zombie. but inspite of the hangover and severe lack of sleep and the paranoia of dozing off on three important life-changing meetings, here i am brimming with excess energy. So much so that i don't mind writing this blog while my boss is here all the way from Mumbai. I am fit as a fiddle and so excited that i can hardly keep my arse rooted to the fancy revolving chair.

Its the most obvious question...Why am i so excited...am i getting a raise or meeting my boyfriend...neither of which i have the privilege of owning...i wouldn't be writing this blog then, would i??? Its called pure joy or in Biological terms it might also be known as hormone imbalance as a result of a physical reaction to disprin...So i am jumping around, beating up my unsuspecting colleagues, irritating my hapless roomy into participating in my torrential inappropriate most-unladylike behaviour.

Then again is this feeling so random as all that or the little attention i got last night.....a thought to ruminate on....that is random in itself...anyway so the party last night was with a bunch of ol collegemates, the ones you thought you might never meet again, considering that one is inconsiderate about keeping in touch....it was so much fun...we were like kids...playing dumbtionary....don't even bother to figure that one out......hidden talents peeping through tired skins...war cries tearing through the dead of the night...wow that is random right there!!!what am i trying to get at??? moral of the story...is that sometimes its good to be young and random and less depressed and cynical.....to be with random people doing bizzarre stuff...it rejuvenates you....and probably this is why i am so excited today...plain happiness after meeting old friends.....

so here i am after 3hours of broken sleep trying to gather myself and brace myself for official meeting and stuff.....trying to be all adult like while my heart is skipping years behind to the time i was 17...hmmmm...i m feeling all smug and content...feeling blessed to have such good friends.....who turn up after 3-4 years and can still talk to me like it was just last evening that we parted from the Dhaba in college. Life is good...till the meeting starts atleast!!!