Last evening was uneventfully eventful....it was full of alternating realisations of the good, bad and the ugly....it started with my boss snubbing me again......grrrrrr.....immature creatures like the both of us, stuck to deal with each other.........what if my husband is like my boss...blah!....let me start my story......yes,yes I did read other articles in office and was buzzing with thoughts about the lofty theoretical exposition in it (start of a conspiracy theory), when it all happened.....the ill-fated moment I decided to open my inbox and see that unread white patch on the screen.....curiosity kills us all...it did....my enthusiasm....what remains of it and everything....urgh I hate these situations...ok,ok what I am trying to say is that while I was happy ruminating nice thoughts on education and democracy, I happen to see my boss' mail in the inbox......it was my temporary doom...thankfully I was looking forward to meeting a new friend and possible employer...i stomped out of office in disgust at the lack of tact that my current boss showed....and worse my inability to stand up to anyone..... then walked into barista to see a multi-pierced, long haired balding soft spoken man....who spend the whole night playing devil's advocate...with me....job is a far receding dream.....it can happen when fate decides.....is his sophisticated answer in a crude manner...ten minutes into the conversation he pops up the question that was to put me in a self-indulging dilemma for the rest of the night....hmmm.....it was not untrue....he quipped “you are too young to be so cynical”.....”what, its been a year since you started working and you already so cynical?”.....what he is unaware of is that this question haunts me everyday.....everyday I wonder if I am the one making the gross errors.....its me or the external....well i guess i reconcile thinking- its not so black or white....its grey, its how I react to the external....ah, it had to come to me like everything else...self-destructive ego....always my doom...why do I take these things so seriously.....he also said I am prone to stereotyping...me?ME???....wait a second when did ten minutes of engagement warrant a character assassination.....look who is stereotyping....
Ok, having said all that, the man was nice, he promised me a job.....in the yonder horizon but still a job...aite...its difficult...so he is instantly pardoned...after all he speaks my language of engaging with the world, a world out destroy everything in it...self-fulfilling prophecy...the-world-is-out-to-get-you-mode...capitalistic conspiracy.....American conspiracy....manipulation of an educational system to create clones that befit the capitalistic growth....we don't need no education (remember Pink Floyd)....we all come from there and move towards agency and a load of bull...can't comprehend what I am trying to say?... don't worry neither do i!!....well, okay so here was a man meeting me to talk about a prospective job offer..... now judging me in my own language....sweet revenge. This led me into thinking about all the things I do wrong....and have friends that reiterate them...i had to tell thampi....he was one of them....so on an auto, amidst traffic, I screamed my new found theory to a poor thampi boarding the 8 P.M train to the land of mallus...he listened with awe to discoveries....protesting once in a way...if I let him that is(my roomy says I bully him, which is not true, so she mothers him too...hehe)...our similarities ranged from inability to stand boredom, boring friends, taking things too seriously, exclusivity principle....the list went on till both of us couldn't recollect the list....But bullying counsellor counselled about everything....his doomed marriage....his possible mental disabilities....poor boy...has enough troubles of his own...por favor senor/senorita, I am going on forever...(oh that by the way was an indication that I am learning Spanish...now I know why I suck at grammar....lack of structural thought...bloody hell how am I going to do structural linguistics...))
I thought it was over for the night...enough conspiracy theories for a day....but no...i had to drown my sorrows into the darkness of the night...so against the will of my protesting body.....i ventured forth with the rock band star and la enamora into the depth of the night....into that hell hole they might as well have called velocity or acceleration or momentum or inertia....would have made no difference....cause throughout the night a fear captured my already drained brain....last conspiracy theory for the day.....the music, the people, the culture was one of stunted growth....the crowd was almost the same....like an incestuous little tribe of devil worshippers...Lord save them from my wrath!!...everywhere people shook their head in similar salutation to the sound of that music....dikchik dikchik....all in a trance as if possessed by the spirit of the devil himself.....of euphoria....overcome by the pleasure of primal instincts...do I sound like the priest from the Salvation of the Christ sect....Jehovah's victims....if I do that's my intention....that's conspiracy theory...men and women lost to the sound of mollifying repetitive sound...trance, house, whatever....it took me only a few minutes to realise I was shaking my head too.....aaargh!!! I am ruined....my pretentious intellectuality is out....i am exposed to the luring flesh....my eyes get misty, lost in the enveloping smoke......maybe my brain cells were bursting....sheesh...i was soon going to be one of them....a member of the incestuous clan (well I have already been charged of that once before)...i showed signs.....it took me an hour or so to let go of that discomfort and the itch to register this theory on paper...virtual at least....it took me that much time to return to my own full-of-myself-superior self....so at the end of the day after so many glasses of fermented juices I ended up looking pissed more than drunk....i was pissed.....with the pub, with myself....with la enamora, with the rockstar...with his statue of a friend....i came down to planet earth only when I realised how in my moment of intense boredom I failed to notice how drunk la enamora had become....yikes!!! she had to drive me and herself back...poor judgement...i wasn't after all the superior self I imagined...i can't even f**king drive!!!!!!....so I held tight while she giggled her little self back home....never once breathing a sigh of relief...i slept a tight little ball....dreaming bad dreams....but sun rose as if nothing ever happened...that amazes me.
Friday, May 23, 2008
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Go Goa
Life has become better all of a sudden...i have been depressed for almost a week now...thoughts muddled....motivation hitting negative scale....emotions have a supersonic frequency...all things contradictory seemed to exist in the same space...result was chaos.....today, something seems lighter....it was the appraisal last evening....i laid my cards down....i learnt something about me....i am extremely candid and honest....i can hide it...but I start looking like a helium balloon...ok,ok the lighter mood is an indicator of the fact that today is the day I should write that much pending blog on my trip to goa...the plan had been brewing for a while...a trip had to be made...people were itching in their seats in the IT sector as well as the development sector..i have been whining for a while...needed that much awaited break...i guess it happens bi-monthly for me ...its not the place that generally makes the differences...its the idea of a trip...the concept...of course place comes after it...we planned it medium this time...take a few days off before the upcoming child marriage...in my terms...wayanad, coorg, dandeli...all the nearby places crossed our sharp radars...till goa popped up as a sudden brain wave to the aero-psycho-nautic's mind...too much of detour for a trip to kannur?....what the hell...goa it is...
Planning ranged back and forth on group mails...routes, mates, abusive substances, beach side shacks, nude beaches...trains, buses, flights...you name it...the scout had begun....secrets, comfort zones...all were thought through before the final decision was made....to much confusion... as to who booked what, who cooked what and who spend for all this....what is ever gona happen...at last one friday evening I left the city on a 6 hour trip to the next metro...b'lore...i shivered the whole night through...partially fearing the fever that was impending, partially just to keep warm....partially worried my bladder might burst...but except for the trailer lorry side tracked on the road, the trip was uneventful....i arrived early morning, before sunrise, with my personal body guard...on to the cool streets of Bengaluru...only to be stuck for an hour at the bus stop....cause our chaddy pal decided to drink the night before.....celebrating some random excuse.....and slept through our billion desperate phone calls and curses....everything was forgotten when at last we saw his sheepish smile...what are these idiotic chaddy pals for anyway....they ditch you and then rescue you...like we do with pet parrots...but like the parrot you still love them only cause they rescued you...so the night in shining armour took us to another knight in sleepy armour...who was such a good host that he started snoozing before I stepped into his lair....but it was roof above our heads alright....the onus was left to the three of us to find spots at his feet or floor....or go anywhere as long as the lion slept peacefully...before snoozing off he warned...no, forbade us from stepping into his kitchen.....which was a small space between the door and the rest of the room.....which seemed dire until later I was told that it was because a lizard in his lair had a sweet tooth and decided to feast in his sugar box....the day was spend without seeing more than a street in b'lore.....cooking, yelling, substance abuse, ravishing mutton...the aero-psycho-nautic lion also turned out be a good cook...talk about versatile friends
Trip to Goa on a bus from B'lore was less eventful....and the trip to our first destination – Morjim Beach...seemed long drawn...we could hardly push our lazy arses down to the beach restaurant...once we plonked there, no live soul could bring us back...so we ate, drank, ate, drank....and chatted as always of old days...childhood in school is all that we really have in common and a few months of renewed friendship...it takes time...for people to bring out their baggages...and as always we slowly opened the pandora's box....then it just kept coming.....as soon as the sun hit the west coast....we hit the beach after a self-imposed-doped-out-afternoon-siesta that every marquezian only dreams of...in our quaint thatched hut near the beach...exotic huh? After hours of faking swimming, drowning, relentlessly facing the waves that seemed intentionally directed to my nostrils...we once again hit the beach restaurant for an all night session of alcohol and jokes and crap and bitching....stories after stories we giggled like little girls (sorry guys)...tripped on each other's idiosyncrasies....that's all we do really!!! followed by a round table conference and debate....one by one people lapsed into a stage popularly known as “passing out”.....common parlance I say...i would rather seeing it as passing slowly into a wonderland of dreams unseen...of breaking orders and tribe rules.....
Next day after a heavy b'fast filled with anal discussions on anal passages...we headed to a place that can only be compared to paradise...palolim....living by the turquoise blue....sea green....expanse...in little coloured huts....precariously built....feeling the sand under our feets at every step....i learnt for once how to walk neck deep into water and let go my ego with every wave....the waves and I reached a compromise...i accepted my minisculity in comparison...let it hit me....push me....drown me....and let me fly...for a brief moment....feeling the gentle sea breeze in my wet hair....and the icy current on my feet....my eyes taking in every bit of green around me....well my buddy chums also saw their bit of green...among the bikini-clad, sparsely populated, receding tourists....lovers who used the thin cover of the green water to explore new dimensions of sexual intercourse....well sheepishly I had my eyes filled too with these rare spotting...the best part was that everyone followed their own whims as to what they wanted to do...so while one turned mermaid through the trip...some were sleeping beauties or sullen gypsies...i used my space to worry less about how I looked and pretend to be more like Halle Berry walking out of the sea in a bond flick...all differences came to a stand still at sun down when all four of us joined hands to hit the next beach shack for another round of sweetly brewed poisons....that gave me wings enough to venture neck deep into sea at midnight....
We encroached spaces and found our niches as time passed....till it reached a point when I decided that I could marry one...hehe who would have thought...now I have plan B ready way before I even organise path for plan A..............heading back....the road was more eventful...no don't get me wrong eventful only in terms of things new and tense....we decided we were travelling to kannur unreserved...adventure began the moment we stepped out of the safe womb of the sea....suddenly I was converted from my image of Halle Berry...to a conservative drunk women to be taken care of by young chivalrous men...and it was true....they were nice chivalrous men...and I was a weakling just set out to doze off...so chivalry felt most appropriate....though I can't figure out the rational of chivalry, I know it felt good....so I reached safe and sound, with a slight hunch back for my old lover's marriage...time went by so fast.....depression took over my thinking for next few days....now I can feel its glow.....life seems all about impressions left from long walks by the beach.
Planning ranged back and forth on group mails...routes, mates, abusive substances, beach side shacks, nude beaches...trains, buses, flights...you name it...the scout had begun....secrets, comfort zones...all were thought through before the final decision was made....to much confusion... as to who booked what, who cooked what and who spend for all this....what is ever gona happen...at last one friday evening I left the city on a 6 hour trip to the next metro...b'lore...i shivered the whole night through...partially fearing the fever that was impending, partially just to keep warm....partially worried my bladder might burst...but except for the trailer lorry side tracked on the road, the trip was uneventful....i arrived early morning, before sunrise, with my personal body guard...on to the cool streets of Bengaluru...only to be stuck for an hour at the bus stop....cause our chaddy pal decided to drink the night before.....celebrating some random excuse.....and slept through our billion desperate phone calls and curses....everything was forgotten when at last we saw his sheepish smile...what are these idiotic chaddy pals for anyway....they ditch you and then rescue you...like we do with pet parrots...but like the parrot you still love them only cause they rescued you...so the night in shining armour took us to another knight in sleepy armour...who was such a good host that he started snoozing before I stepped into his lair....but it was roof above our heads alright....the onus was left to the three of us to find spots at his feet or floor....or go anywhere as long as the lion slept peacefully...before snoozing off he warned...no, forbade us from stepping into his kitchen.....which was a small space between the door and the rest of the room.....which seemed dire until later I was told that it was because a lizard in his lair had a sweet tooth and decided to feast in his sugar box....the day was spend without seeing more than a street in b'lore.....cooking, yelling, substance abuse, ravishing mutton...the aero-psycho-nautic lion also turned out be a good cook...talk about versatile friends
Trip to Goa on a bus from B'lore was less eventful....and the trip to our first destination – Morjim Beach...seemed long drawn...we could hardly push our lazy arses down to the beach restaurant...once we plonked there, no live soul could bring us back...so we ate, drank, ate, drank....and chatted as always of old days...childhood in school is all that we really have in common and a few months of renewed friendship...it takes time...for people to bring out their baggages...and as always we slowly opened the pandora's box....then it just kept coming.....as soon as the sun hit the west coast....we hit the beach after a self-imposed-doped-out-afternoon-siesta that every marquezian only dreams of...in our quaint thatched hut near the beach...exotic huh? After hours of faking swimming, drowning, relentlessly facing the waves that seemed intentionally directed to my nostrils...we once again hit the beach restaurant for an all night session of alcohol and jokes and crap and bitching....stories after stories we giggled like little girls (sorry guys)...tripped on each other's idiosyncrasies....that's all we do really!!! followed by a round table conference and debate....one by one people lapsed into a stage popularly known as “passing out”.....common parlance I say...i would rather seeing it as passing slowly into a wonderland of dreams unseen...of breaking orders and tribe rules.....
Next day after a heavy b'fast filled with anal discussions on anal passages...we headed to a place that can only be compared to paradise...palolim....living by the turquoise blue....sea green....expanse...in little coloured huts....precariously built....feeling the sand under our feets at every step....i learnt for once how to walk neck deep into water and let go my ego with every wave....the waves and I reached a compromise...i accepted my minisculity in comparison...let it hit me....push me....drown me....and let me fly...for a brief moment....feeling the gentle sea breeze in my wet hair....and the icy current on my feet....my eyes taking in every bit of green around me....well my buddy chums also saw their bit of green...among the bikini-clad, sparsely populated, receding tourists....lovers who used the thin cover of the green water to explore new dimensions of sexual intercourse....well sheepishly I had my eyes filled too with these rare spotting...the best part was that everyone followed their own whims as to what they wanted to do...so while one turned mermaid through the trip...some were sleeping beauties or sullen gypsies...i used my space to worry less about how I looked and pretend to be more like Halle Berry walking out of the sea in a bond flick...all differences came to a stand still at sun down when all four of us joined hands to hit the next beach shack for another round of sweetly brewed poisons....that gave me wings enough to venture neck deep into sea at midnight....
We encroached spaces and found our niches as time passed....till it reached a point when I decided that I could marry one...hehe who would have thought...now I have plan B ready way before I even organise path for plan A..............heading back....the road was more eventful...no don't get me wrong eventful only in terms of things new and tense....we decided we were travelling to kannur unreserved...adventure began the moment we stepped out of the safe womb of the sea....suddenly I was converted from my image of Halle Berry...to a conservative drunk women to be taken care of by young chivalrous men...and it was true....they were nice chivalrous men...and I was a weakling just set out to doze off...so chivalry felt most appropriate....though I can't figure out the rational of chivalry, I know it felt good....so I reached safe and sound, with a slight hunch back for my old lover's marriage...time went by so fast.....depression took over my thinking for next few days....now I can feel its glow.....life seems all about impressions left from long walks by the beach.
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