saturdays is like a broad horizon of hope......the beginning of weekend...its is a hope of two full days of nothing to do....to get up late...laze around in your shorts...cook b'fast at eleven...then go in for that longest ever bath...face pack, oiling, shampooing, pedicure, moisturizing...its narcissitic sensualism...touch therapy...the brimming hope of a long day when you do what you absolutely please.....read, eat out, merry make.....then out of the blue creeps in the chores....clean the loo, cook, shop, meet your relatives, prepare for office....i keep wondering... where did that come from??...if i had seen it coming i could have postponed it for laterrrr....
Saturdays are better than sundays cause you are not dreading monday yet....you know you can get high and sleep late tomorrow, you know you can procastinate for a day more....but as always on sunday evening you wonder...where did all that time go?? i had so many plans...to hone my artistic tendency....but i don't seem to have done much just like last weekend...what about the trip i had planned....what about the decoration we had planned for the apartment....what about a lot of things...why can't weekend be longer !!
Friday, November 30, 2007
I am an atheist
I am an atheist!!! thats the most provoking statement one can make in a company of normal-but-reflective people....immediately you are in a teleological jargon of all sorts...why?? don't you think this world has a design??...don't you think we all have a purpose of being here???how can you be so sure??..................another twenty pages extends the list of questions..............
My answer is simple and straight forward...(u will soon realise thats not the case)..look i have done three years of graduation on formal and informal arguments on the existence of GOD....every western philosopher has at some point touched this all too important question.....you have the weirdest arguments proving/disproving the existence,omni- add-as-many-combos of God...all various types of attributes.....so i know its a question that racks the thinking mind of almost every individual...if not you are a blind believer constantly negotiating with your faith....coming back to answers...this is the simple part.....i m not going dwell on this question...i simply don't want to....i have reached that zone where blind faith is absolutely impossible....i know i m too small a creature in this "design" to figure things out...arrre i can't figure out dinner, what do you expect...all i am saying is that i suspend this question for the time-being as unviable...if there is God,let there be one....im too out of sync to fall on my knees....
But let me clarify i do not concede to the fact that god or religion is an unimportant factor, it is one single factor in history that has and will bring together strangers and astrange neighbours...it still stand as the pivotal point in discourse and you can't hide away....our languages have the residue of this.....the nazis,jews,muslims....they are all now more than religious or cultural identities...they are political identities built on religion..but in my life, at this point, being also the privileged brat that i am.....it is a redundant concept...it might not be so twenty years later...i m always in flux.....i m Zeno's dad when it comes to flux....all i am saying is that i don't want to be answering this right now....it is of no use to me...i can't chicken out and become agnostic...because for me that is accepting defeat...others can be, i don't care..but in my perception of the matter, i can't...i value this issue...
For me God is a concept.....concept based on solace.....we are tiny creatures in a world too huge for us or even in a life whose trajectory we can't steer....so in times of absolute distress we postulate a being that is greater than us in all senses and cushions our subconscious from possible mental damage....it is an absolutely rational theory for the most irritional concept....you weave bzillion concept about it/him/her and above all a code of conduct for action. faith is its ritualistic entry.....if i can accept premises like "i m a female" with so less contemplation then why is this so difficult to grasp.....these ethics and laws set down by the "faithful" lead daily life and action....it also spins into a complicated jargon as time moves.....and as all basic concepts do, gives birth to the prodigal son/sects which go against it like "atheism"....root is still theos...concept still inclusive, within the whole jargon of GOD....son accepts lineage but chooses to be iconoclastic ( i told you language had residues, i can't bye-pass that) ........if you are saying take the premise of existence of god and i say no ...but to say no i need to first know god.....so then why the offense......am only reasserting the concept...bringing it to forefront...then why so many questions!!!
My answer is simple and straight forward...(u will soon realise thats not the case)..look i have done three years of graduation on formal and informal arguments on the existence of GOD....every western philosopher has at some point touched this all too important question.....you have the weirdest arguments proving/disproving the existence,omni- add-as-many-combos of God...all various types of attributes.....so i know its a question that racks the thinking mind of almost every individual...if not you are a blind believer constantly negotiating with your faith....coming back to answers...this is the simple part.....i m not going dwell on this question...i simply don't want to....i have reached that zone where blind faith is absolutely impossible....i know i m too small a creature in this "design" to figure things out...arrre i can't figure out dinner, what do you expect...all i am saying is that i suspend this question for the time-being as unviable...if there is God,let there be one....im too out of sync to fall on my knees....
But let me clarify i do not concede to the fact that god or religion is an unimportant factor, it is one single factor in history that has and will bring together strangers and astrange neighbours...it still stand as the pivotal point in discourse and you can't hide away....our languages have the residue of this.....the nazis,jews,muslims....they are all now more than religious or cultural identities...they are political identities built on religion..but in my life, at this point, being also the privileged brat that i am.....it is a redundant concept...it might not be so twenty years later...i m always in flux.....i m Zeno's dad when it comes to flux....all i am saying is that i don't want to be answering this right now....it is of no use to me...i can't chicken out and become agnostic...because for me that is accepting defeat...others can be, i don't care..but in my perception of the matter, i can't...i value this issue...
For me God is a concept.....concept based on solace.....we are tiny creatures in a world too huge for us or even in a life whose trajectory we can't steer....so in times of absolute distress we postulate a being that is greater than us in all senses and cushions our subconscious from possible mental damage....it is an absolutely rational theory for the most irritional concept....you weave bzillion concept about it/him/her and above all a code of conduct for action. faith is its ritualistic entry.....if i can accept premises like "i m a female" with so less contemplation then why is this so difficult to grasp.....these ethics and laws set down by the "faithful" lead daily life and action....it also spins into a complicated jargon as time moves.....and as all basic concepts do, gives birth to the prodigal son/sects which go against it like "atheism"....root is still theos...concept still inclusive, within the whole jargon of GOD....son accepts lineage but chooses to be iconoclastic ( i told you language had residues, i can't bye-pass that) ........if you are saying take the premise of existence of god and i say no ...but to say no i need to first know god.....so then why the offense......am only reasserting the concept...bringing it to forefront...then why so many questions!!!
bemused
bemused.....yes thats the word....what do you do when an overaching all-powerful figure comes to you looking kind and sweet and tell you, the ant walking really close to her feet, we have a difference of opinion....i don't get it...if ants can't speak your language where is the space for common opinions....she tells you, mind you, with her mightly limb really close to your 2mm head, we have decided that you ants should not carry your food to your respective anthills but to the new hoarding house shes building...from there they'll decide where food goes in winter.....
first question is who are "we"...am i the ant in the overaching umbrella you call "we"....okay you say i have negotiating power and mind you i do i am the cannibal ant in the jungle of ants.....but you forget you are standing periliously close to me HEAD!!
so bemused is my state.....should i concede and save my head or should i fight like a cannibal ant...fight cause carrying food to my hill has been my core business for ages now....i don't know what worth i will bring to me as a person trained in this process if i switch to your large hoard-house....so i stand really close to her feet....bemused...do i protest...no,no not protest, voice my negotiating power....or do i climb on board cause ultimately you know the food will come around to your anthill too....not the exact way you liked it but.....
So i contemplate and raise my hand and give my sweetest smile....yes perplexed i was.....but i realised fighting for your head.....like an animal instict sets in automatically...maybe it was necessary so that you can later learn their language and opine, negotiate maybe grow up to their size....or whatever close...afterall you are a cannibalant at the end of the day...if you shoot down the idea now there won't be a head on your 5mm body to later say "at the end of the day"
yes this is what i call constant negotiation.....one is constantly in flux and constantly negotiating ones position with respect to the other bigger, smaller...in btw elements....everyday at different points in different proportion you are negotiating.....with yourself....with the car next to you at the signal ...with the lorry driver honking at your miniscule vehicle...with your copassenge,neighbour.....yes every minute....at some point you give in, throw your marxist jhola in the dump for the time being to be able to survive in the face of that giant looming has-a-life-of its-own machine....hoping that one day you will rise up to their powerful level or atleast get enough inside info on them so as to tackle them on their own terms....the day i become stalin is for the time being very far away...considering my ever diminishing cannibal sting...i could also say slow and steady wins the race!!!! jai tortoise
first question is who are "we"...am i the ant in the overaching umbrella you call "we"....okay you say i have negotiating power and mind you i do i am the cannibal ant in the jungle of ants.....but you forget you are standing periliously close to me HEAD!!
so bemused is my state.....should i concede and save my head or should i fight like a cannibal ant...fight cause carrying food to my hill has been my core business for ages now....i don't know what worth i will bring to me as a person trained in this process if i switch to your large hoard-house....so i stand really close to her feet....bemused...do i protest...no,no not protest, voice my negotiating power....or do i climb on board cause ultimately you know the food will come around to your anthill too....not the exact way you liked it but.....
So i contemplate and raise my hand and give my sweetest smile....yes perplexed i was.....but i realised fighting for your head.....like an animal instict sets in automatically...maybe it was necessary so that you can later learn their language and opine, negotiate maybe grow up to their size....or whatever close...afterall you are a cannibalant at the end of the day...if you shoot down the idea now there won't be a head on your 5mm body to later say "at the end of the day"
yes this is what i call constant negotiation.....one is constantly in flux and constantly negotiating ones position with respect to the other bigger, smaller...in btw elements....everyday at different points in different proportion you are negotiating.....with yourself....with the car next to you at the signal ...with the lorry driver honking at your miniscule vehicle...with your copassenge,neighbour.....yes every minute....at some point you give in, throw your marxist jhola in the dump for the time being to be able to survive in the face of that giant looming has-a-life-of its-own machine....hoping that one day you will rise up to their powerful level or atleast get enough inside info on them so as to tackle them on their own terms....the day i become stalin is for the time being very far away...considering my ever diminishing cannibal sting...i could also say slow and steady wins the race!!!! jai tortoise
Thursday, November 29, 2007
simple....nostalgia
simple is the key word...i thought of the songs i love listening to....it goes i'll come to you at night time, i will climb into your bed, i'll kiss you in 155 places as i go swimming around in your hair (eddie vedder)....no complications, no psychedelic twist yet it makes my heart dip in some weird sweet-pain everytime i hear it....maybe its memories....but of what!!....
the look a complete stranger gives you to acknowledge you-look-pretty within a fraction-of-a-second.....the smile of gratitude from a co-passenger when you offer help...simple things in life is the rule for me now on...i hope so....i will discuss the simpler visions i have of pleasure.....sipping hot tea on your balcony while its raining cats and dogs on lush green trees...or sipping hot coffee and staring into space while secretly competing with the world to get the sunny spot on a cold winter day.....the withdrawal symptom you feel when you smell fresh coffee being brewed...that was college winters for me, whoever heard of classes then.....chatting about nothing to the menagerie of people your call "gang" while smoothly erasing the guilt of bunking that class you so loathe....college was goood.....as always nostalgia of those simpler days when you thought ideas you weave were more complicated than living it out in the real world...and the crushes not to forget them...it was my critical time pass like regaining myself from the depths of amnesia...a sudden slip of a heartbeat when an otherwise innocuous lad passes by.....thinking he is the cutest you have ever seen...his ugliness becomes his crown and his awkward smile his sceptre.....to be conscious of your every move wondering if this is the best way to move...willl he like it???....then months pass and you realise he was never that great.....in between you wore your best clothes, showed that lil bit of attitude you mustered, wore colours that highlight your eyes, complexion......then you go..." oh him! ya i had a minor crush but now i don't get it.....
Okay as always i have strayed too far away from the topic of discussion from simple its nostalgia...or lets call it simplcity of nostalgia or simple nostalgia....in reminiscence even the harshest of occurrence appears glossed and not so bad...its worse for people...all misgivings you never thought you'd forgive them for looks stupid often over reactive. Only thing that often remains fresh and criminally clear are your embarassments....they remain crystal clear...well come to think of it so does the stark pain inflicted upon you by your nearest.
Nostalgia is good...antidote for dire straits....but clinging to your nostalgia can demean growth....you are stuck in the past...thats what i fear is my problem...do i want to be in academics because thats all that i have seen in the past five years...coool nerds hung over a book...hungry, pennyless, doped out creatures of the nether-world.....is that why it appeals to me so....well time will prove it......but nostalgia is weird it makes the simplest moments look pleasant and allays the effect of the big moments....there were times when i would consciously mark a space or point in my memory as this is something i will definitely remember but now i can't for my life recollect them except the glow i felt at that moment....mind plays weird games with us.....
In course of my oration to myself i have managed to successfully connect my two topics....i sometimes wonder if thats how great writers create brilliant pieces of work ....by jotting down a train of thought and then formalising and then reformalising it...by now two more ideas have joined the last two....sophistication increases and in the hands of an efficient copy editor it molds itself into a best selling book!!!! wow if it was that simple
the look a complete stranger gives you to acknowledge you-look-pretty within a fraction-of-a-second.....the smile of gratitude from a co-passenger when you offer help...simple things in life is the rule for me now on...i hope so....i will discuss the simpler visions i have of pleasure.....sipping hot tea on your balcony while its raining cats and dogs on lush green trees...or sipping hot coffee and staring into space while secretly competing with the world to get the sunny spot on a cold winter day.....the withdrawal symptom you feel when you smell fresh coffee being brewed...that was college winters for me, whoever heard of classes then.....chatting about nothing to the menagerie of people your call "gang" while smoothly erasing the guilt of bunking that class you so loathe....college was goood.....as always nostalgia of those simpler days when you thought ideas you weave were more complicated than living it out in the real world...and the crushes not to forget them...it was my critical time pass like regaining myself from the depths of amnesia...a sudden slip of a heartbeat when an otherwise innocuous lad passes by.....thinking he is the cutest you have ever seen...his ugliness becomes his crown and his awkward smile his sceptre.....to be conscious of your every move wondering if this is the best way to move...willl he like it???....then months pass and you realise he was never that great.....in between you wore your best clothes, showed that lil bit of attitude you mustered, wore colours that highlight your eyes, complexion......then you go..." oh him! ya i had a minor crush but now i don't get it.....
Okay as always i have strayed too far away from the topic of discussion from simple its nostalgia...or lets call it simplcity of nostalgia or simple nostalgia....in reminiscence even the harshest of occurrence appears glossed and not so bad...its worse for people...all misgivings you never thought you'd forgive them for looks stupid often over reactive. Only thing that often remains fresh and criminally clear are your embarassments....they remain crystal clear...well come to think of it so does the stark pain inflicted upon you by your nearest.
Nostalgia is good...antidote for dire straits....but clinging to your nostalgia can demean growth....you are stuck in the past...thats what i fear is my problem...do i want to be in academics because thats all that i have seen in the past five years...coool nerds hung over a book...hungry, pennyless, doped out creatures of the nether-world.....is that why it appeals to me so....well time will prove it......but nostalgia is weird it makes the simplest moments look pleasant and allays the effect of the big moments....there were times when i would consciously mark a space or point in my memory as this is something i will definitely remember but now i can't for my life recollect them except the glow i felt at that moment....mind plays weird games with us.....
In course of my oration to myself i have managed to successfully connect my two topics....i sometimes wonder if thats how great writers create brilliant pieces of work ....by jotting down a train of thought and then formalising and then reformalising it...by now two more ideas have joined the last two....sophistication increases and in the hands of an efficient copy editor it molds itself into a best selling book!!!! wow if it was that simple
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
motivation, where art thou
Where does one find the motivation...which part of ones body does one tap into to get that bit of a motivation that can get you going for miles....i haven't found it...yes, i am not super brainy or high on GK but i know if i put my "mind" on a task i can master it....but where is my "mind".....i think its stuck in the bourgeoisie closet waiting for a train of poor alienated wage labourers to come by and offer services......its like...o i could do that but i don't want to, and what the hell he/shes there anyway.......yea i could figure out programming...but then what will happen to all the professionals who will be out of their jobs...nobody including myself seem to realise the service my laziness does to this otherwise unemployed/underemployed world...how many people feel like they have conquered the world when you look at them with that dazzzzzed large eyes...they think...I am doing rocket science or relativity theory...when all you are thinking is how does this concern my greater being and or simply being here
I m judgemental and choosy about information...i am all eager to listen to the conversations on great theories on phallana shallana that has no connection with my getting to office or with things that help me get along one day in the office.....i am interested in vague historical biases, those special characteristics and historical specificities that make a certain cultures positioned the way they are. The underlying discourse of power, the phallocentric universe, discourse, language...blah blah...if its smalll then personal dynamics, individual trajectories, subconscious motivations behind people's actions...the list is long.....i know they sound arbid and absolutely redundant...hey!!! but thats what motivates me...not the new updates for windows vista or % of poor tribals in India..which is the priced information in office atleast...what the hell...am i in the wrong place...should i move my lazy ass...or just let these things pass as mundane aspects of life and then wait to get home so you can dwell in these vague theories.....i seem to be averse to technology and take pride in being a dinosaur...but sometimes i wonder is it my inclinations or my laziness...in this era of tech innovation and number crunching...should i lag behind...do people like me have a comfortable niche....that is not mouldy and fungus-ridden.....i sure hope cause otherwise it will take the last bit of my charm and big eyes to remain in this ignorance gamble....
Coming back to motivation......why am i not involved in this important conversation behind me about how to present ourselves to the bosses....i say crap...what nuances are we discussing...we are speculating......about nothing before time.....though an after thought strikes me that this is what i like doing...intuiting...speculating about the dark recesses of the human mind.....its possible baggages....but whats behind definitely should remain there cause it is boring the hell outa me....see i am judgemental...i don't particpate in group activity...so honoured in this part of the universe...i m an individualist losing individuality faasssst....then where do i belong...christ!!!
Motivation, motivation, where art thou hiding......in the abundant mass of human flesh......i think thats it...its clogged in the immense LDL fat i m accumulating to honour my salary...but what about the lack of interest for things that happen right behind me...the scorn with which i view these unimportant discussion of mere mortals talking about the most mundane things....i think one day i will be sooooooooooooooo bored that i will kill myself....just to spite the world and then realise on my recycle rebirth chakraa that the world didn't hear the squeaks i made before passing out into the other world...damn it....
I m judgemental and choosy about information...i am all eager to listen to the conversations on great theories on phallana shallana that has no connection with my getting to office or with things that help me get along one day in the office.....i am interested in vague historical biases, those special characteristics and historical specificities that make a certain cultures positioned the way they are. The underlying discourse of power, the phallocentric universe, discourse, language...blah blah...if its smalll then personal dynamics, individual trajectories, subconscious motivations behind people's actions...the list is long.....i know they sound arbid and absolutely redundant...hey!!! but thats what motivates me...not the new updates for windows vista or % of poor tribals in India..which is the priced information in office atleast...what the hell...am i in the wrong place...should i move my lazy ass...or just let these things pass as mundane aspects of life and then wait to get home so you can dwell in these vague theories.....i seem to be averse to technology and take pride in being a dinosaur...but sometimes i wonder is it my inclinations or my laziness...in this era of tech innovation and number crunching...should i lag behind...do people like me have a comfortable niche....that is not mouldy and fungus-ridden.....i sure hope cause otherwise it will take the last bit of my charm and big eyes to remain in this ignorance gamble....
Coming back to motivation......why am i not involved in this important conversation behind me about how to present ourselves to the bosses....i say crap...what nuances are we discussing...we are speculating......about nothing before time.....though an after thought strikes me that this is what i like doing...intuiting...speculating about the dark recesses of the human mind.....its possible baggages....but whats behind definitely should remain there cause it is boring the hell outa me....see i am judgemental...i don't particpate in group activity...so honoured in this part of the universe...i m an individualist losing individuality faasssst....then where do i belong...christ!!!
Motivation, motivation, where art thou hiding......in the abundant mass of human flesh......i think thats it...its clogged in the immense LDL fat i m accumulating to honour my salary...but what about the lack of interest for things that happen right behind me...the scorn with which i view these unimportant discussion of mere mortals talking about the most mundane things....i think one day i will be sooooooooooooooo bored that i will kill myself....just to spite the world and then realise on my recycle rebirth chakraa that the world didn't hear the squeaks i made before passing out into the other world...damn it....
something there
I am always i hurry, my mind is racing far ahead of time....i wanna do this, go there...in a hurry to make life meaningful and stud it with gems, i repeat, gems of wisdom and experience....i think i live my life in the world of fantasies that is so often described in books.....when i was young it had more spirit in it, more mystery more magic...nowadays its become something more of a pride and prejudice kind of thing.....lulll.....seem to be waiting for that perfect man with spotless behaviour to bump into me....funny, caring, well dressed, treats me like a princess, does-the-all-too-cliche arty stuff.... man i am a dead dog really!!! In this rush i seem to forget to savour those tiny little moments i spend with friends
The other day i was playing poker over a drinks with girly pals.....must say after a long time i was actually winning some bloody virtual money!! with the otherwise gentle ladies screaming bbitttccchhh!!! i had a good laugh....never thought about for a minute later.....my school buddy...came home on a lonely weekend recently...we did simple things...made kanji and payar (rice porridge), watched a movie, did a few initial tutoring of photography, tried to see the art in my artless pictures hardly in focus, talked about the old days, read autographs from school......then as a result of pure chance we end up on a full moon beach with doughnuts in our hand and waves lapping at our feet discussing the reflection of moonlight on the ebbing waves......what a perfect peaceful day.....life is treating me well....i have good friends...people i can call to brag and crib....but still i seem to be searching for that something......sometihng exciting....something that will blow my mind......
but maybe and that i refuse to convince myself..... is what life is all about.....these little some things.....little happiness....and really what i am looking for is not an alll too exciting relationship....but a man with whom i can just walk on an empty beach and bounce off the weirdest ideas ever.....someone who smiles-the-all-too-knowing smile at my faux pas...yea thats life!!! but when will i ever convince my silly boggled mind..
The other day i was playing poker over a drinks with girly pals.....must say after a long time i was actually winning some bloody virtual money!! with the otherwise gentle ladies screaming bbitttccchhh!!! i had a good laugh....never thought about for a minute later.....my school buddy...came home on a lonely weekend recently...we did simple things...made kanji and payar (rice porridge), watched a movie, did a few initial tutoring of photography, tried to see the art in my artless pictures hardly in focus, talked about the old days, read autographs from school......then as a result of pure chance we end up on a full moon beach with doughnuts in our hand and waves lapping at our feet discussing the reflection of moonlight on the ebbing waves......what a perfect peaceful day.....life is treating me well....i have good friends...people i can call to brag and crib....but still i seem to be searching for that something......sometihng exciting....something that will blow my mind......
but maybe and that i refuse to convince myself..... is what life is all about.....these little some things.....little happiness....and really what i am looking for is not an alll too exciting relationship....but a man with whom i can just walk on an empty beach and bounce off the weirdest ideas ever.....someone who smiles-the-all-too-knowing smile at my faux pas...yea thats life!!! but when will i ever convince my silly boggled mind..
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
occurence!!
I remember studying sometime ago that human life is not about the everyday life so much as it is the living out the memory of yesterday's events. We live in the reiterative narrative of yesterday's events that jilted our very souls...like the holocaust is for the jews and it is now an accepted part of their identity. Or jihad/"fundamentalism" is for becoming for Muslims. We create a common identities with the traces of these stark occurences in our life. Thats what struck me most when i heard of my professor's death last day. It was life a knife slashing open the satin white mundaneness of my existence. There i could see the tear... and it was never going to go away. As much as these occurrences hurt us or jilt us or excite us, we all spawn narratives and create identities on the basis of it. when was the last time you didn't quote the heart break in your life, or the hurt you felt cause of a friend's remark to identify your idiosyncratic behaviour. It is in fact these occurrence that makes the heart grow wiser and often more vulnerable.
The day death is announced to you, your senses return to their senses....you stop to see the colours around you or the smell of that flower that you never bothered to sniff once on your way out of home. Death is the ultimate marker of your life, mundaneness is but the wait.
The day death is announced to you, your senses return to their senses....you stop to see the colours around you or the smell of that flower that you never bothered to sniff once on your way out of home. Death is the ultimate marker of your life, mundaneness is but the wait.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
blogs!!!
blogs...blogs all over the virtual space....the concept is close to creepy....people writing a public-personal diary....people wending intimate frustration for public viewing...creepy!!! but then creepy is cool so here i go with mine....problem is how to go about it....there is a rush of ideas...one better than the other but nothing really materialises....i thought i'll explain the concept to myself...people are bored and lonely just like me....wondering about the consequences of their actions....... sitting in a very strange scenario, one that i couldn't dream of being in an year ago....but here i am in a corporate research fancy place far away from the smell of dusty books and hot chai...life takes you places you never fathom being....did i ever think when i was in my pinafores i would be sitting in a air-conditioned room wondering about the worth of my existence...did i think when i was playing hide-and-seek in the "jungle" premises of my school that i would be dictating the path of many a lives who we call "poor"...telling people how to lead their lives...how to pee, where to pee, how to poop healthy...where to...imagine if somebody told a middle class convent educated bugger that!! i can imagine the expression of umphish disgust just blooming on that face...well, well thats what i am doing...forgiving myself everyday...convincing myself that the smile of an wrinkled granny in some utopic tribal village will redeem of this guilt...or the heights of wisdom will dawn on me in my crude path to condemnation....so introducing myself to myself and to the vague readers of this blog who can't recognise my most anonymous face...i m close to neurotic but not really....i like to amuse myself saying that...or i am masochistic...or i m just a cynic who can't see any good in anything...good doesn't exist without quotes in my vocabulary....i m drifter who wants to be sedentary in a mobile fashion.
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