fatti meri

what a lovely day!! its a new year, its a new day...itsa new begininnng....but as my wheels of fate had decided in some sordid clandestine conspiracy with the prince of hades, i am stuck on my revolving chair on a declared holiday. All because i am manager!!! all because i am paid to dance to the tunes of they who run this godforsaken organisation. But then where are they, when i have tied my hair up in a neat coil and am wearing freshly ironed clothes......vanished...wondering what the fuck i am writing? yea me too....let me give it to you straight...here i am after a late night or rather early morning new year's celebration, sitting in front of my flashy screen...my eyes are drooping, my nerves edgy, my hands siver from lack of sleep and water....no i am not below the poverty line.....i am just a overgrown immature chick with money to spend on alcohol.....i am forced to come to office for the much anticipated conference call marking the beginning of my new job profile...yea i asked for too much too soon...and as i wait in utter desperation for my boss to turn up....i realise that she is out on a personal errand....i thought only i didn't respond to phone calls...but apparently not!!! so here i am sitting with puffy eyes on an otherwise holiday waiting for this big meeting in the afternoon...which is basically five men and women rambling about the castles they have built on thin air.....yea thats what life is all about...its about party poopers, sleep waking alarms and babbling mobs.....

i am so zonked that i really can't decide what i a writing or what i have written but i realised that the time has come when blogs are going to be a further constellation in my universe and poverty reduction is going to be the sun shining in my profit motivated, i-don't-know-what -the-fuck galaxy. But i write for the pleasure of pleasuring myself on a lovely new years day....secretly also because i realised i have three regular readers of my blog....dammit i am never quite delicate

some things

I am back on my revolving chair after a week's hibernation and i hate to say this but everything here worked very well without me...a solace and a pinching sensation all at the same time...so while i was catching up on sleep and grub at home, life went as usual in this buzzing office where people work on the dreams of others....millionaire's dreams of course...

I, as always, went with the renewed hope of celebrating christmas....the age old festival with all its colours...but all i really did was sleep throught the sermon, hurry through the duck stew and duck roast...cribbed about visiting relatives....it was the same...though there is that familiar pleasure of the same and known....so while i was at home i missed my freedom and my cosy apartment...my drinks and my pals....now i miss the time i lazed around, procastinated chores, fought with mom, slumped in front of the TV, meeting old friends and new....oh ok it was goooood in the old fashioned way...and now i am sitting with sleepy eyes in front of my laptop wondering why on earth i came back on a friday...why didn't i just take today off and monday off and come back on wednesday after the much awaited trip to Goa with old friends...man do i punish myself or what?

exciting part was meeting old friends and new....classmates from school, batchmates from college...felt like old times...cooking, drinking and doing bad stuff sneakily...forgot about my boring revolving chair for a quite a bit...so i am now a renewed sleepy person....who is waiting for new years to party my with out!!!! free at last free at last thank god we are free at last....

ghosts in the closet

One likes to believe that the ghosts in ones closets are snug there. That it won’t raise its hood to threaten the peace of our everyday lives. We like to believe that our ghosts are unique, and they are...everyone has them and own them with the same rigor and fear with which you cling onto yours...each as important as the other. So while i was busy trying to slam the doors of my closet and to move ahead i remained nonchalant of the efforts of others. It’s almost always there for everyone to see though people make desperate efforts to hide...it moulds the person. People create ephemeral guises....to mask their dirty laundry but every now and then they peek out....and when they do, it’s available for everyone’s viewing....in spite of this we refuse to see them or acknowledge....we often than not never acknowledge ours, far less of that of others...only a few have acknowledged them and even less who get past its grips....I realised I am a fossil from my own past everything new in me is a fossilised version of my past...i guess that’s how people change...what I am saying is the incapability to get past your past....(ok that’s a lot of ssssttts there) to call one’s own only ones past, to not look at now and later but only behind...it’s like driving in heavy traffic looking hind ward....one has to glance back but fixing your eyes on the past is dangerous endeavour...like in driving...trying to live with your ghost in belief that your ghosts are the only real ghost is a mistake....it stunts growth, it stunts opportunity....you are eternally looking behind or inward when opportunity presents itself upfront.....one is stuck in a weird nostalgia....
But now the problem is not being stuck in the past but in the realisation that one is stuck and not being able to motivate oneself into looking forward....

eventful or not

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So after an eventful weekend i am back to my revolving chair. The reviews were, as usual, not as scary as anticipated. But it was an interesting day filled with events. I am generally famous for my paranoia whenever i have to travel early....i usually suffer from lack of sleep wake up before the alarm....reach the airport an hour before time...etc....so this time i trusted my body to respond to the situation...but as Madame fate had decided on a different course, i slept peacefully, dreamt of missing the plane, chided myself on my lack of self confidence in my ever efficient body....woke up though not with the sound of alarm but of the doorbell...my frenzied friend stood outside and screamed.....what are you doing....get ready in 10 minutes....those were the fastest ten minutes in my recent experience....i had not heard the alarm, switched off my friend’s call....the subconscious can be devious...but i made it...all the way to the airport i was dumbstruck...how could this happen?? How could this happen to me!!....all this while i thought i knew how my body worked....But that was not all.....after an uneventful flight to Mumbai, we were all piled into an auto speeding in the direction of the office when on the highway my bag decided to take a break....so out it went into the highway....into the midst of busy traffic...the por dear....it took me a while to realise what had happened and before i knew...my friend was stopping the heavy traffic as i watched my tickets, boarding pass fly in various direction....i could cry...here i was going for my first mid-term review and i was seeing all sorts of ill-omens on the way...to top it all i stained my clothes...i am jinxed!!

This was not a good day....i was tired and ill prepared...and not least in the mental frame to do the marketing of my efficiency...but i had earned the sympathy card by now...so the second chance was to be mine....i waited as my colleague went through 3 excruciating hours of i-really-don’t-know-what...i tried reading, practising, browsing but only sleeping helped....then at 1500hours it was my turn...to face the tirade of questions...i joked, i mumbled i stumbled through the presentation....i waited with my heart in my mouth for the moment when they’d tell me....we are sorry you are not fit for the organisation.....but all i got were compliments and constructive criticism...what a sham!! i mean all this worrying for this!!! I tell you life is full of such moments...for which you wait and wait and realise it was so easy...so well i decided to indulge in some heavy spending soon after....and that for me is cosmetic shopping...body shop lip balms and marks and spencers body wash....good girl!! You have done nothing again and is getting rewarded....now i know why i complain about the plainness of my life....there are no real moments....no culmination...no catastrophe...thank my stars i am boring

boredom, i think

One can’t sometimes help wonders how people are so different from one another....there are some who takes life serious like there’s no tomorrow while others watch as bystanders while life passes them...calm never budging, never budging while other bustle around trying to get things right...just right enough....the perfect size they want...and when it happens they rejoice, merry make and party...of course its never complete if it was then people would stop trying right?....there are also those funny kinds who care but don’t care enough to budge and those who don’t care but put up a pretence of care....zillions of such permutations and combinations....its funny just listening to these people....so in a workplace like mine...where people are rated on the basis of their work...you see these traits surfacing...some are just doing a job, some are working for the boss, some for the institution and other for principles.....some are last minute workers, some have started work even before it was given....two ends of a spectrum...and various positioning with this range of options....here i am sitting at probably the most important moment in my six month old career....review time...worried about why i am not worried...worried why i am not serious...i was always the last minute types...but now i get away even without the last minute...maybe i have become overconfident and i am hoping to escape yet another time....i have tipped over the limits of procrastination too....its probably a leniency towards risk from an otherwise non-risk taking person....a love and fear of living on the edge....my dreams have always been risky after all....i always tipped to the risky side but never got there..its one of the varied combinations....so here i am sitting on a revolving chair...waiting for the clock to strike last minute so that the panic bells can begin chiming in my bloody head....

Well its this tipping or leanings that keep me going...i am going to be world traveller someday......i’ll start with India on a shoe string budget...visit Orissa...then Sikkim...Arunachal, Meghalaya. Assam....Bhutan...to make things look real i actually browse through the websites of outlook traveller, travel and living...for job opportunities...or its probably to whet my senses and have nothing to do with risk.....i am very sensual...i get turned on by cookery shows, wine connoisseurs, travel and wildlife photography...cuisines....i hated Anthony Bourdain for a significant period of my college life cause his job was the ultimate for me...cook’s tour...what the f**k...how did he get that job...can you believe travelling around the world trying out different cuisines....smacking one’s lips into the camera...also getting to travel to hotspots around the world...ohhhhh!!! i hate him!...i hate everyone who strives to and actually manage to live on their own terms.....the people who lived like paupers to write what they believed....how do they do that...how am i in wont? Ok clock is ticking close to the hour of panic and here i am discussing The Cook’s Tour...life sucks!!the moral of the story is i am last minute person in a job for just the money...my principles have gone astray...i have no principle...i want to drift into a world of fantasy.....(snooze)

CALVIN: "The purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas,
obscure pure reasoning, and inhibit clarity.
With a little practice, writing can be an intimidating and impenetrable fog!"

disjunct

i don't know if this is a manufacturing defect but my heart is completely disjointed from my brains..my brains makes decisions that my heart can't obey....results in a commotion...i pace around like caged animal trying really hard to listen to my brains....after all it is the learned one and capable of making sense....somewhere truth eludes me all the time...and i remain stuck in grey zone....it is severe in love.


My heart should belong to a hapless romantic and my brain to a women striving to be rational and strong...i often burden myself into carrying the pain of loss against the will of my heart and then regret it...i guess for the rest of my life....what i don't get is why my heart and brain can't work as a team...it would save me a lot of time and struggle and sadly a few labels...i remain stuck in between not knowing who is right...looking like the fool who never knows whats good for her....i think the problem is not just of a disjoint but of locations...locations of these two prime organs at the two ends of the spectrum...one jumpy and naive....other striving towards strength and extremely ambitious at that.....can you imagine having to live with these buggers for all these years....the yearning and the prohibitions....

i have been bursting out of my body everytime i have heard some songs in the past few days....he, whoever, ok shelley was right, it is the sweetest songs that remind us of our saddest thoughts......the pain recurs like a guilt.....its happens so often that i don't know who or what i yearn for anymore...i just know its painful..its physical pain.....i squirm beneath its grip...it just won't leave....its like harbouring two monsters within a cage both rattling against the walls of my poor flesh...but i must say i am biased...i always listen to my brains...i value its knowledge and its sense of me....but times like these it is difficult...i don't know whether it is right....i know these are transient feeling..it disappears as soon as the desired object is acheived but i cannot help but think that the regret is going to follow me for the rest of my life....of having never given my heart a chance to breathe...i show signs of severe depression afterall