the fine balance

Okay this might seem like the limit...stretching my emotion a bit too far...but i guess i have to accept it i am emotional and very much at that....i have active tear glands that well up at the slightest insinuation....OK so here it goes...since i realised i like writing blogs with memories i am continuing and this one has to pioneer it all.....I am listening to the song that made tare zameen pe famous to music listeners...Maa...i remember shedding buckets of tears watching the picturisation of this movie....now i am on my revolving chair soft as a sponge, ready to absorb any sadness around....somewhere feeling guilty that i made my mother sad...my eternal problem with parents is that they don't understand me....especially my mother...and somewhere in this defense i forget the lady who shielded me from the world!! who gave a lot to see me smile....i rationalise my thoughts about her life...i understand her position in the society in all its sociological aspects...but again i forget...i think today is the day for all those forgotten memories...so here it goes...so as a tribute to the movie i saw today and the song....this blog is "all about my mother"...my father is a man of different virtues...and i respect him for that...but my mother is most respected simply cause she was my mom....and the way she balanced life for my sister and me...when we shat in our pants and ran to our studies for the fear that my dad would blast the hell out of us...she calmly watched us...was our ally, alibi...on evening when we sneaked to the living room to watch TV during our study hours....we scurried on all fours to our studies when the lights of a car barely reflected on the windows...she shared our fears...i am one of the rare specimens who can claim the following....first knowledge of sex was with my mother....first conversation on my uterus was with my mother....first input on condoms was from my mother....in fact the first person i asked whether she was using one was her.....i remember her skin turning blood red...but she managed her poise so well......my mother was more open about discussing homosexualism with me than my sister....though at this point i don't share her views on this issue...she was my first string to everything sexual....she knew when i first fell in love...she didn't ask me cause i didn't tell her.....i could boast in school about all information i had on forbidden topics and i could say this with pride...cause my knowledge was not from some magazine, it was from a mother who specialised in zoology....now i realise how well she balanced my dad who showed no signs of recognising us as sexual beings....she made up for it so well....she was...no, is very perceptive and i am scared of her for that...she can tell when i like someone...you can imagine now why its scary...



I remember the times when i arrived home with my report card....no i didn't flunk...never did until college....that's a secret only my mom knows....i never flunked but i guess my father had great expectations and so every subject that bordered pass mark were a source of immense anxiety...i would pace furiously outside my dads room...i can't enter....walk back to the kitchen to feed on a bit more sympathy...come back....can't she just sign it for me....”no that's not done”.....OK fine!!!...pace again....”you should have just studied during all that time you slept”, says amma....yea i should have...whats the point...motivation is an age old problem...how do get past this situation...it was life changing it seemed then...i am so screwed...i don't remember how my sister tackled it, she was apparently worse....no not worse in any significant manner just didn't take exams well...she knows better maths than i can ever imagine, she had better grasp of concepts, just that i knew how to pass....she probably was a victim to a cruel mainstream idea of education...i was slimier...i passed...OK OK back to tense state of affairs....so having heard that dose that almost made me piss in my pant.....i come crying back to the kitchen...for more sympathy...whiny dog i was....the clicking of her wedding ring on the chapatti roller is still clear in my head....she watches unjudging as i wash her crispy chapattis under the tap...i know its gross but i hated the feel of flour on my skin..it gave me goosebumps....i wonder what she thought...she just let me be....



There were days when dad went on trips...days we tripped...from rice and well assembled curries suddenly we were on to Maggi and everything in two minute cooking....my mom's day off...late night movies cherry picked for the occasion...chatting till late...11 was very late then....i know we looked forward to those moments every time....now i am happy that in spite of her having to cook at least we afforded her the little break.... she did work her ass off to shape people like me...well i am not what anyone would call perfect daughter but i know i am special....in my own way....i know that in spite of my causeless rebellion i have virtues that one can be glad of...it took me years to realise that....it took strangers to tell me that....but now it just takes a while to realise that my mother balanced us well...i would have had causes to rebel if she didn't...if it wasn't for her scones and yummy evening snack i could have never concentrated on my intense five minute of studying every evening.....if she hadn't kept her mouth shut about me sneaking story books into the study...i couldn't have realised the true value of education.......she was there to calm my palpitating heart at 22 (fyi my sister got married around that time)....she told me that whatever people said or forced them into believing.....at the end of the day they would listen to me...i was so relieved....so what i decided to get married at 30?...that would be bad but if you insist we can't do much....ooof!!...what if i don't get married???... that would be really bad but still we can't force you....OK, OK that's good incentive to get married someday....the same lady suddenly one day becomes socially aggressive...the day she realised that my dad was caving into thoughts that suggested choice of a life partner on your own..."i don't think that good reason for you to just go ahead", she said..."whats wrong with our choice",...i was pissed!!..but it took me a while to notice the contradiction....once again she was balancing....


So yes she doesn't get me...i hear she is worried about me...not from her though....seems like i have too many guy friends....she can't oppose that!!....yes like all parents unable to cope with the monster that they have raised, my mother racks her brains in relentless worry about her prodigal daughter....just like the prodigal daughter racks her post-modern neurotic brain trying to figure out why parents aren't more malleable...or like his parents or her parents?...but its just a hobsons choice....they, especially she, didn't have a choice or chance in shaping me fully according to her wish....i hope you agree that external environment has a huge role in shaping human beings....so i don't have the choice of shaping them according to mine....life would be so boring if you didn't always have that opposite view...maybe not that much but a little at least...but i am learning to view my mother as a human being with hell of a lot of problems but still trying to create meaning in her life and in ours...and she has....and she will always balance life on the rickety side of my ship....


This weekend has been all about my mother.....from the song (mentioned earlier) to the movie by almodovar and talking to my friend about his mother....funny that i haven't still called her....talk about a prodigal daughter!!