madness

Last evening was uneventfully eventful....it was full of alternating realisations of the good, bad and the ugly....it started with my boss snubbing me again......grrrrrr.....immature creatures like the both of us, stuck to deal with each other.........what if my husband is like my boss...blah!....let me start my story......yes,yes I did read other articles in office and was buzzing with thoughts about the lofty theoretical exposition in it (start of a conspiracy theory), when it all happened.....the ill-fated moment I decided to open my inbox and see that unread white patch on the screen.....curiosity kills us all...it did....my enthusiasm....what remains of it and everything....urgh I hate these situations...ok,ok what I am trying to say is that while I was happy ruminating nice thoughts on education and democracy, I happen to see my boss' mail in the inbox......it was my temporary doom...thankfully I was looking forward to meeting a new friend and possible employer...i stomped out of office in disgust at the lack of tact that my current boss showed....and worse my inability to stand up to anyone..... then walked into barista to see a multi-pierced, long haired balding soft spoken man....who spend the whole night playing devil's advocate...with me....job is a far receding dream.....it can happen when fate decides.....is his sophisticated answer in a crude manner...ten minutes into the conversation he pops up the question that was to put me in a self-indulging dilemma for the rest of the night....hmmm.....it was not untrue....he quipped “you are too young to be so cynical”.....”what, its been a year since you started working and you already so cynical?”.....what he is unaware of is that this question haunts me everyday.....everyday I wonder if I am the one making the gross errors.....its me or the external....well i guess i reconcile thinking- its not so black or white....its grey, its how I react to the external....ah, it had to come to me like everything else...self-destructive ego....always my doom...why do I take these things so seriously.....he also said I am prone to stereotyping...me?ME???....wait a second when did ten minutes of engagement warrant a character assassination.....look who is stereotyping....



Ok, having said all that, the man was nice, he promised me a job.....in the yonder horizon but still a job...aite...its difficult...so he is instantly pardoned...after all he speaks my language of engaging with the world, a world out destroy everything in it...self-fulfilling prophecy...the-world-is-out-to-get-you-mode...capitalistic conspiracy.....American conspiracy....manipulation of an educational system to create clones that befit the capitalistic growth....we don't need no education (remember Pink Floyd)....we all come from there and move towards agency and a load of bull...can't comprehend what I am trying to say?... don't worry neither do i!!....well, okay so here was a man meeting me to talk about a prospective job offer..... now judging me in my own language....sweet revenge. This led me into thinking about all the things I do wrong....and have friends that reiterate them...i had to tell thampi....he was one of them....so on an auto, amidst traffic, I screamed my new found theory to a poor thampi boarding the 8 P.M train to the land of mallus...he listened with awe to discoveries....protesting once in a way...if I let him that is(my roomy says I bully him, which is not true, so she mothers him too...hehe)...our similarities ranged from inability to stand boredom, boring friends, taking things too seriously, exclusivity principle....the list went on till both of us couldn't recollect the list....But bullying counsellor counselled about everything....his doomed marriage....his possible mental disabilities....poor boy...has enough troubles of his own...por favor senor/senorita, I am going on forever...(oh that by the way was an indication that I am learning Spanish...now I know why I suck at grammar....lack of structural thought...bloody hell how am I going to do structural linguistics...))



I thought it was over for the night...enough conspiracy theories for a day....but no...i had to drown my sorrows into the darkness of the night...so against the will of my protesting body.....i ventured forth with the rock band star and la enamora into the depth of the night....into that hell hole they might as well have called velocity or acceleration or momentum or inertia....would have made no difference....cause throughout the night a fear captured my already drained brain....last conspiracy theory for the day.....the music, the people, the culture was one of stunted growth....the crowd was almost the same....like an incestuous little tribe of devil worshippers...Lord save them from my wrath!!...everywhere people shook their head in similar salutation to the sound of that music....dikchik dikchik....all in a trance as if possessed by the spirit of the devil himself.....of euphoria....overcome by the pleasure of primal instincts...do I sound like the priest from the Salvation of the Christ sect....Jehovah's victims....if I do that's my intention....that's conspiracy theory...men and women lost to the sound of mollifying repetitive sound...trance, house, whatever....it took me only a few minutes to realise I was shaking my head too.....aaargh!!! I am ruined....my pretentious intellectuality is out....i am exposed to the luring flesh....my eyes get misty, lost in the enveloping smoke......maybe my brain cells were bursting....sheesh...i was soon going to be one of them....a member of the incestuous clan (well I have already been charged of that once before)...i showed signs.....it took me an hour or so to let go of that discomfort and the itch to register this theory on paper...virtual at least....it took me that much time to return to my own full-of-myself-superior self....so at the end of the day after so many glasses of fermented juices I ended up looking pissed more than drunk....i was pissed.....with the pub, with myself....with la enamora, with the rockstar...with his statue of a friend....i came down to planet earth only when I realised how in my moment of intense boredom I failed to notice how drunk la enamora had become....yikes!!! she had to drive me and herself back...poor judgement...i wasn't after all the superior self I imagined...i can't even f**king drive!!!!!!....so I held tight while she giggled her little self back home....never once breathing a sigh of relief...i slept a tight little ball....dreaming bad dreams....but sun rose as if nothing ever happened...that amazes me.